Finally

So I think I finally have figured out why I can not just sit and relax anymore. When I relax my mind wonders. When that happens, I start to think about all different things. Eventually I end up thinking about Matt and get sad, depressed and so on. This happened tonight. It has been one of the first times I a long time when I just sat for a while and didn't do anything. I have to keep moving, doing something, checking FB, checking my email, so that I have something else to think about. It's why I worry so much at the smallest thing and just think about everything else that could go bad, but proably won't. I'm glad I realized it, but now how to I get over this? How can I be relaxed about happy again?

Here I am

Here I am .  About 2.5 years after I found out that I would not be with the person that I married any more.  After I found out that my daughter would never get to know her father.  All in all, I would like to say I am doing pretty good.  I still work for the same company but in a different position.  I like what I do most of the time.  I have started a workout program that I think I am seeing results from.  I am eating better, but still working on Avery. 
I have found some one to spend time with out side of work and being a mother.  He is a really good guy, Avery even likes him!  But then again I don't think she has ever met a stranger. 
To get through my journey I tried therapy.  I didn't like it.  Then I tried to relive my college years and early 20s.  That didn't work and I did not feel like I was being the best parent I could so I slowed it down a little bit.  I take it day by day, hour by hour, and sometimes minute by minute because Avery is having one of her days.  I think I am doing well.  I hope it continues.

People

So it has been a while since I have written here. I think over the next couple of weeks, months I am going to have some additional time that I am going to be able to use to write down my thoughts.

One thing that I have been thinking about is how people come into your life for a reason, and once their job has been fulfilled, they are not in your life anymore. Not that they are gone from you life, but they just are not as big of a part of you life as they once were. Close friends become aquitances and best friends are not the first person you call when you have news to share. people you date become someone you are say "hi" to, but don't really hold a conversation with anymore.

Some people are there to help you deal with a situation that you need to get through. Some people help you see a side of yourself that you didn't think you had. Others help you realize what you are capable of, or maybe you are in that person life to help them over come something. It's a two way street. If you are helping someone, in some way, that person is helping you too!

I would like to say that I think the people that help me out in my life, I will be in touch with them in the future, but you never know what the future holds. Then one day you acidentaly meet someone you were not expecting. They make the largest impact in yout life and then they are gone. There is that old email thaty goes around saying different things about meeting a person for a day, week, month, year, lifetime. I think its true.

Here Again

It has been a long time since I have written anything here. I have to say that for some reason the last couple of days have been a little hard on me, or maybe I am just throwing myself a little pity party. I have had a good time hanging out with friends and taking it easy, but yesterday hit me a little hard and this evening has been just about the same. I have been keeping busy by doing things, but the last couple of weekends I have decided to take it easy and I am just noticing that things around the house are quiet. Noticing that I am alone once Avery goes to bed. I don't have anyone to talk to. I do talk to people via text message, but its just not the same as talking to someone face to face, or at least in the same room as you. Sharing what you have done that day with them. They asking you questions about the details of the day. I mean, I talked to Avery, but she does not quite fill that void that I have been missing.

Sometimes, its just knowing that there is someone at home waiting for me. Knowing that when I walk in, someone will be there to say "Hi" to me, but there is not. Just wanting to hear his voice again. I realized something today, that I think I have always known, I am never going to get over him. I am not sure if I will be able to move it. I think that I have made good process in getting out and having fun with friends, but there is still that one thing that is missing. I have not really been able to put my finger on it until now. My friends are great! I am closer to some, more than others, but I know that they are all there to help me out if I need it. Willing to do anything for me if I ask, one thing that I have learned to do over the last 18 months since he has been gone.

Now that it has been this long, I find my self trying to redecorate the house. I have put up new pictures. Moved thing around a little bit. Wanting to move some other things, but not knowing where to put them. When ever I sit on the couch, I see my wedding pictures. I know that I should take them down and put something else up, but I just can not do that now. I looked into my study and see the picture that we had at the memorial service hanging up on the wall where his deer head use to be and think to my self that people probably think I am crazy for having a huge picture of this person in my house, but I like it there. Even though it is from 2008, it is how I remember him. Fun, adventurous, loving to travel. That picture was taken while we were in Italy. That was the best trip that I had even taken. I hope to be able to take Avery there one day and show her all the places that her dad and I went.

Decorating is hard. It is especially hard when you know you need to, but you just can't bring yourself to do it.

Letter for Avery

This is a letter that I have started for Avery so that she can know all the things her daddy did for her while he was still here. It is just something that I wanted to write for her. I have decided to share it just to let other people know how good of a father Matt was for the little time he had to be around Avery. This is something that I will keep adding to as the days go by because I am not able to write down everything in one sitting. For everyone who reads this, this is just a place where I feel I can get my feelings out.


Avery,
I am writing this to you so that you can know how much your dad loved you and how much you meant to him. Right after we brought you home from the hospital, they told us that we needed to take you your doctor so that he could check you out and you would be able to meet each other. We brought you home on a Sunday so we were not able to make an appointment that day, but we needed to take you in to see Dr. Smith within two days of us leaving the hospital at least that is what the nurses said. The next morning right when he woke up, your dad was on the phone calling your doctor to get an appointment for you to come in and we went in to see the doctor at 2 that afternoon. Also before the left the hospital, the nurses said that we need to sit in the sun light of a window for about an hour a day to help with the little bit of jaundice that you had. So, while we were waiting for your appointment, you dad got ready for the day and then sat in the study with you in his arms in front of the window so that you could get some sun. He was so gentle with you. He made sure that you little head, arms and hand were out to be able to absorb the light from the sun. He was so proud of you and wanted to do everything for you. Later right as we were about to leave and go to your first doctor appointment, we heard this loud noise. You had messed your diaper. I turned to your dad and told him it was his turn to change the diaper. He took you into our room where the changer was and set you down and changed your diaper with so much care. He made sure that the wipes were ready to go and the clean diaper was ready to be put on before he started to undress you. He was so cute, I could not help but giggle, but at the same time I was giving you daddy a hard time because he had not changed a dirty diaper. When we were at the hospital, all the diapers he changed were just wet. He got very good at it.
A couple of days later he started singing a song every time you went poopy. He would sing “Poopy time, poop poopy time.” This would get on my nerves because you were not the easiest baby to change a diaper on, but your daddy loved that song and would sing it whenever he knew the diaper was poopy. You daddy also was to started teaching you early. He thought that if we told you we were going to fixe you up every time we changed you diaper, when you got old enough to talk you would come up to us and say, “I need you to fix me up.” He said it every time, I did not remember but I know that if he was still here, he would be saying it to you and he would be reminding me to say it to you.

After you were born and I was staying home with you, dad returned to work so that he could bring home the bacon. After about two weeks you had another doctor’s appointment. Your dad came home and we went to the appointment together. We talked with the doctor and he checked you out and I asked the doctor about tummy time. Dr. Smith said it was very important for us to do tummy time with you since you slept on your back. When you are awake, you needed to be on you tummy so that you could build your back and neck muscles. Also, if you were on your back too much, you would have a flat head. After the appointment, every time you daddy came home from work, he would ask if I had done tummy time with you because he did not want you to have a flat head. Then after he got home from work and ran with Jack, our lab, he would come back in and take care of you while I fixed dinner. He would do tummy time with you and encourage you to lift your head up and turn it from one side to the other. He would lay right next to you on your mat and show you how. I have some pictures and video of this when you would like to see it. Once you got to be a little older, around 4 or 5 weeks old, we were to started giving you bottles so that you would learn how to use then for when you started day care. This was your daddy’s job. He would give you a bottle everyday at 8 PM. That was the schedule we had you on at the time. You would fuss so much and did not want to take it at all. Your daddy was so patient with you, but he did get frustrated. He would talk to you and ask you to take it. Then when you did start taking to the bottle, he would encourage you then too. He was your big cheerleader for drinking out of the bottle. He would set up with the boppy pillow and a burp cloth. I have a picture of you and your daddy feeding you your first bottle. Your daddy was concentrating so hard so that he did not hurt you giving you the bottle, but he did not want you to spit the bottle out everywhere either. Usually when he was giving you the bottle, I would go take my shower. This was your bonding time with daddy. By the time I would come back into the living room, your daddy had you in his arms, holding you close to his chest burping you, or just rocking you in the recliner. You were never a really good burper, but he would always burp you because he did not want your tummy to hurt if you did get gas from the bottle. He loved you so much and could not wait to teach you every thing that he knew.

Growing up Too fast

Now my little girl is 9 months old. I can not believe that she is already sitting, crawling, and pulling up to stand. This is awesome, but so scary and nerve racking for me. With her pulling up, every time, I see it, I will be right behind her because I do not want her to just let go and fall down. Today she was in the kitchen and pulled up. Right there on the tile. It startled me and I had to go right there and stand behind her just in case she just let go. I did not want her to fall onto the tile, that would have been horrible. I have also started to get all the things down off the tops that she can reach so she will not be tempted to pull it down and put it in her mouth. Every day is something new. Not only is she going through the changes that I mentioned above, she is also teething. We have one tooth that broke through, but now it seems that there are some more coming in and she is letting us know. I know this too shall pass, but I hope it passes quickly. This is where I need to have Matt here. He needs to be here to help me get through this. He was the level headed one and was able to calm me down when things got too stressful for me. I need him to be able to take her and calm her down too. I think that sometimes, not only does the mom or dad need a break for the child, but the child needs a break from the one parent they are around all the time. In this case, that would be me. I know that if Matt was still here, he would be around Avery as much as possible and we may not even need a break because we would be fighting over who would take care of Avery. I know that I would be getting the feedings since I am still nursing, but that would be the only given. I hope that everyone who reads this does not take their significant other for granted. I never would have thought that Matt would have been taken from me so soon. Still I say he had so much to live for and still so much to accomplish. I still can not believe that he is not here. Always tell the ones you love that you love them. Always give a hug when you can and a kiss on the cheek. You never know if that would be the last time you see or talk to them. Matt taught me how to love people more than I did before I knew him. I am so grateful for the friends and family that I have. They have helped me so much since everything happened in January. I would give anything to have Matt back, and I know so many other people that feel the same way, but I know that is not possible. I just need to be patient to be able to see him later, but it is times like these, when Avery is growing up so fast that makes me sad that he is not here to see her accomplish so much. Yes, people will say that he can see her from Heaven, but I want him here to be able to hold her as she braces herself up against the coffee tables right after the pulls herself up. He should be here worrying about her, if she is going to fall and hit her head if she is on the tile. He should be here so that she can hold on to his hands and fingers as she starts to take her first steps with assistance. I am having to wear two hats right now and it is wearing me out. As I type this, I want to say "Thanks a lot for what you have done to my family. Thanks for taking a whole bunch of love and happiness from us and given us this grief and wishing. Now we have to go on and take care of what we need to, but it is not with out pain. There are little things that light up this darkness that I live in, and if it was not for Avery and all the love and joy that she brings me, I do not know how my world would be. One second changed my life forever and 5 seconds would have made a all the difference in the world." I needed to get that out, and for everyone who reads this, please be careful in all that you do...

Wedding Ring

Even though I am a widow, I still wear my wedding rings. At first I did not wear them, but my hand felt naked and it felt strang to not wear them. I was talking to my mother one day and she was like, wear them if you want too. And I started to think, you know I will continue to wear my rings. I did not choose to become a single parent, to not be with Matt. I still want to be married, and we would be married today if he was not killed in the accident. I feel that I should be able to wear my ring becuase I do not feel like I am single yet. I am a widow but I am not single. I still have love for Matt and always will. I am not out looking for another relationship so if I wear my ring, who cares. I think that once I am ready to move on to meeting people, then I will stop wearing my ring, but right now, I still consider my self a married woman.