Wedding Ring

Even though I am a widow, I still wear my wedding rings. At first I did not wear them, but my hand felt naked and it felt strang to not wear them. I was talking to my mother one day and she was like, wear them if you want too. And I started to think, you know I will continue to wear my rings. I did not choose to become a single parent, to not be with Matt. I still want to be married, and we would be married today if he was not killed in the accident. I feel that I should be able to wear my ring becuase I do not feel like I am single yet. I am a widow but I am not single. I still have love for Matt and always will. I am not out looking for another relationship so if I wear my ring, who cares. I think that once I am ready to move on to meeting people, then I will stop wearing my ring, but right now, I still consider my self a married woman.

What I think About

At this point, I still can not accept the fact that Matt is dead and it has been over 6 months. Avery is growing up so fast and now Matt is not here to see her and to hold her and to touch her. I do cry a little each day about what has happened. One day it might before for Avery because she will not be able to know her father for her self, just from stories that people have been so nice to write about him. I just start to think of the tings that he was supposed to do with her. He was going to walk her down the aisle when she got married. He is supposed to teach her how to throw a ball, he was a pitcher. He was also supposed to protect her from the guys when she started to date. Sit on the couch, cleaning his gun, he always said, as he asked the guy who was coming to pick her up for a date questions. He needed to intimidate them.
I do not want not having a father to cause Avery to not be the best that she can be. You always hear those stories of children that are messed but and then it comes back to I did not have my mother or father around. Will this be the case for Avery, I always wonder.
I want to, one day, give her a little brother or a little sister, but I do not know if that will ever happen. I can not even think about dating another person now, much less if I would ever get married. The only that I do know is that one day I would like to have another child.
These are the things that I think about that I wish I knew the answer to. I will never know the answer either. Avery will turn out the way she will, but I will never know how she would have been is Matt were here with us.

Forgivness

So over the past couple of months I have done a lot of thinking. It has done me so good and I keep thinking that I need to just write it down but I never have time to. Well, today I did.
I have been thinking about the person that took Matt away from Avery and me. He took him away from his parents, bothers and all his friends and extended family. Right now, I can say that he maybe sorry for what he has done, but would you think that if he was so sorry for what he has done he may try to contact the people that he hurt? Why would it take some one to contact him from Matt’s family before he would extend another “I am sorry.”? And from that, the response from him was that it helps him for his recovery to know that we, Matt’s family, are doing well.
Is it bad of me to not want him to get better, to not heal? I just think that his healing makes him think that what he did was not wrong. The longer I think about things, the more I have to say that I do not forgive him. People that say that they could forgive someone for this, well I will just have to tip my hat to them, because I do not think I could ever do that. There are so many things that I would like to tell him and so many places I would like to tell him to go. I am not sure if I can move on until I do that, but I never want to talk to this person again. I am not sure how I would be if I ever did see him face to face again. I may go off on him and blow up, but then again I am not one for confronting people so I may just cry or ignore him.
He was Matt’s friend, but that was the only connection that I had to him and his family. Yes I was getting closer to his family because we had both just had children, but that was it. I was never close to them. I have a connection to them, but it is one that I wish I did not have.

Embarrassed

So I have to say that I am a little embarassed. I went to the picture studio last weekend to get Avery's six month pictures done. My brother went with me because he was staying with me to help me take care of Avery for the week. He was great. Helped me load the car and get everything ready to go and get to the studio on time.
So we started to take pictures and all was going fine. Avery was a little cranky because she had been up a while and it was time for her to take a nap, so I did not do very well on scheduling the time for the pictures to be taken. While she was on the floor for the camera, she got a littel fussy and the photographers said "Avery look at Daddy." And bother my brother and I were like no. Dad is not here. I said that is my brother, Grant said I am the uncle. Then the photographer proceeded to ask where the father was and I had to say that he had died. That ended that conversation quickly.
Then yesterday, I went to the grocery store with my parents and brother. We were standing in line to check out and I guess it was a manager that came up and was like what I cute little baby. Where is the father, looking at my brother. We all had to say that he was not there and that Grant, the person he though was the father, was actually my brother, the baby's uncle. My
mom proceeded to say that the father was out of town. I am so tired of having to explain myself, or give a reason for Matt not being here. I know that these people don't know, but I would like for people to stop assuming that since there is a baby in the picture, that if I am out with my brother, people assume it is Avery's dad. I am getting embarrassed to go out with him just for this reason. Then I really dont want to just go out with my parents, because then I feel like people are looking at me like I got pregant out of wed lock and not my parents are having to take care of the both of us, which I would like to say is not the case, at least financially. Yes they do help me raise her, because they have been here visiting but that is about to change. I think I am going to have my first week with just Avery and I here are the house. It is going to be scary for me, but I know there are people here that will help me out if I need it.

Below are some picture from Avery's Six months.

Happiness

So today I have to say that I am happy. I am happy to have a great family that has been taking care of Avery and I since Matt’s accident. I have great neighbors that are helping to take care of Avery and I since Matt’s accident too. They have been able to keep my yard groomed, watch Avery when I have to be away and I am not able to take Avery with me, keep me company when I am sad and I need to keep my mind off other things, kept me fed so I have not had to worry about food and just have been there when I needed to talk to someone. I could not ask for anything more than what they have been giving me.
On the other hand, I am happy for all the new mothers on my street too. Since Matt’s accident, 5 babies have been born on my street. I am very happy that they all arrived healthy and thriving. All the mothers are healthy and home with their little ones. With this happiness brings a great deal of sadness to me. I see all the new fathers on the street and I think of Matt. What would he being doing with Avery right now.
My neighbors had a cookout tonight for Memorial Day which was great. It was great to get out and see all the neighbors with their babies and see the people I have not seen in a while. I also go to meet some neighbors that had just recently moved in on our street. With this, I also see the interaction of the mothers with the fathers, the children with their father and it breaks my heart that I don’t have that any more and Avery does not have that now and will not have that later on in life. It is hard for me to be truly happy for each of their families. I am finding myself being more jealous of them than happy for them. I keep wondering to my self, is something going to happen to that new father. Is he going to make it past the first nine weeks of his baby’s birth? I am not wishing for anything to happen to them. I want everyone to be around for the next 20 years so our children can all grow up together, since they were all born within seven months of each other.
I am glad to be around friends, but I know that I do put on a good act for the majority of my life now. I guess I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, but I know they know I hurt. I feel like the out cast so bad now. I feel removed away from people that I used to be really close to because I do not think they know how to talk to me and I feel the same. I don’t know how to talk to them. I know that Avery with be friends with all the kids that were just born, but I feel like she is already removed from that group of children because she is four months older that the next kid that was born, and all the others were born with in 2 months of each other. I know that 6 months is not that much once the kids are older, but it is just one more thing that goes through my head.
From now on, I am the person that has a kid and is not married. I am not the same person and the people that meet me for the first time know will never know the person I was before Matt was gone. I want that person back. I don’t know that if I did not have to be, I don’t think that I would be around myself right now. If I was still the person I was, I would be a better worker, better friend, and a better mother. I would be able to enjoy things more with Avery and not worry so much about everything. I have reverted back to the way I was before Matt. I use to care about what people thought of me and I use to work so hard to fit in with the “cool” crowd. When I was with Matt, I was in the “cool” crowd. All that I cared about was what he thought about me. I wanted to make him proud of me. I worked hard to be a better person for him, because of him, and then for myself. From that I was able to be myself all the time and the people who liked me liked me and the people who did not, well then that was their loss and I did not sweat it. I need to find the confidence that I once had. I am so scared of life now that I do not want to move forward. I want things to stand still and let me just sit where I am.
Happiness is what you make of it and I am finding it hard to see it in my life everyday.

Things are looking up

Last week, I traveled to Leesville to se my family and to select a marker for Matt and my grave site. I think I picked out a nice one and that Matt would be proud. Once it is made and set in place, I will be able to show a picture. I think it will be strange to see the finished product once it is set because it will have my name on it also. I know that I want to be next to Matt when it is my time to go so I bought a double person marker. Avery, my dad and I went to the grave site for the first time since the funeral, at least for Avery and me. My dad had been there before last month. He went to check on some things and see his sister. The site looked nice and well kept. My aunt and uncle are doing a great job keeping everything nice and neat. I really appreciate their help taking care of the site since I am not able to travel to Leesville as much as I would like to. While we were there, we celebrated my Dad's birthday and Easter. I have included some picture for you too see. The birthday- Easter dinner included two aunts, 2 uncles, two cousins, 5 second cousins, a neighbor, my Dad, Avery and myself. It was a full house and fun times. My Aunts surprised my dad with a cake while everyone sand Happy Birthday to you. He was surprised. He got some fried pies from my aunt for his birthday. If anyone knows my dad, you would know he likes the Little Debbie fried pies. He got cherry, apple and lemon. There were some honey buns thrown in there also. Apple is the fav! She also got him some meat pies but we were not able to bring them home with us. Can you believe in all of Leesville, he was not able to find a styrenfoam cooler anywhere. Walmart did not even have any. He was so disappointed. My aunt will keep them in the freezer for him and he will look forward to when he can bring them back.

Avery had her first Easter also. The Easter Bunny brought her a stuffed bunny, a picture album book she can chew on and some Beaudreux's Butt paste. Gotta love the butt paste! I know she will get to use it at some time. Also, Avery turned 20 weeks old that Saturday and turned 21 weeks today.

Today I have to say was a good day. I got some errands completed. Got the budget completed for the month of March. Got some bills paid that I had been putting off, but now it is a weight lifted off my shoulders. Got the income tax forms sent off before the deadline. Nice to know I was able to gather everything I needed, even though I kept stumbling upon things I did not know we had. Was able to go through Avery's clothes and pick out the ones she has out grown. It is hard to know that she will never wear those clothes again. She is growing so fast. I can not believe it! Then I was able to go to the company BBQ cookoff and have some great food. Got there at the right time to taste the food and then hear the awards. Congrats to all the winners. Avery, my dad and my brother joined me as we traveled to LaPorte. It was a nice dat after all. I feel like I am starting to get a hold of some of the things that Matt always took care of, like the budget, taxes, how to invest money, household decisions. It feels good that I was able to learn these things from him while he was here. He was always such a planner. Tomorrow I will need to tackle the laundry and try to clean the house up a bit. Still having trouble with our DVR. Waiting on the techincian to come back on Monday with a brand new one. Th DVR went out Wed night and the tech came by this morning. He installed a new one and now, at least we can watch tv, where we were not able to before. But I still can not record any shows or rewind during a show. That is a littel frustrating, but I think I can get over it. I hope they give me a credit on the days that it has not been working properly. I think it worked well today for about 3 hours and then started acting up again. Just need to get through the next 48 and we should be good to go. Thanks for reading. I hope you all have a great week!

Miss Avery Ann at 20 weeks old. She chews on everything.

Okay, Now I am Mad

I just have to get this off my chest. I am mad at the fact that Avery was not the last baby that Matt held before his accident, that would be his friend's son. I wish that she was. I am mad that I am not the last person that Matt talked to before his accident. He would have talked to his friend before the accident. I am mad that he did not sleep his last night at home with me in our bed. No, he slept at his friends house because it was closer to the hunting location. I am mad that his last meal was not with me and Avery. It was at his friend's house. I did not get to share in any of the things that Matt did for the last time before his accident. I know that some of these things are petty but I am mad that I was not the last for any of these things. I hope he knows how much he is missed. It has been two and a half months since the accident and I still think I am going to see him in the living room waiting for me when I walk in there. I still want him to come home to me after a long day at work, and go out to the back yard and calm Jack down like he always did. I want to hear the garage door close when he puts Jack up from running and then come into the house and get some water from the sink. These are the things that he did. He was like clock work on what he did. Wed he stayed home to relax after work. He took that day off from working out. I missing watching American Idol with him and he making fun of the comments that the judges made. He was always saying, "I wish I could vote Paula off." I would laugh every time and say you can't do that. Now I will never get to do that again. I can not even really watch the show all the way through because it is just not the same. I read some where about a woman who lost her husband. They would always fight over the remote and what to watch, and now that she can watch anything she wants, there is nothing she wants to watch. I feel the same way. Nothing is as good as it once way.
Another thing I am mad at is that I did not get to enjoy all the last couple of months as much as I should have with my baby daughter. I have had to worry about getting things done. Getting names changed on accounts. Taking care of the bills. Being up set about Matt not being here. I know you are supposed to make the best out of what you have, but it only goes so far. From the accident until about a week or so ago, I have lost all that time enjoying my baby. I feel so bad that I missed out on that. I mean I played with her and took care of her, but I was not able to enjoy her that way I should have. She has grown up so much, I feel like I have missed it. I took pictures and have documented all that she has done, but I do not think I have done all I should have done. All these things I am mad about it was because I feel they were all taken away from me with one shot. Yes it was an accident, and DuPont says that all accidents are preventable. Well, you know what, Matt could not prevent this accident other than not going. The person who could have prevented it knows who he is.
AS for other things I would like to say, I can not say. If they are that mean, they do not belong on the Internet. They are things I need to say in person. I do not feel that I will every be able to say what I really feel to who I want to because I do not like confrontation. Please understand that it is not you, it is what has happened and I think I have a right to feel this way. My soul mate has been taken away from me and now I am left to live my life as half a person, because my other half is dead. When Matt died, I died a little too. I know I will never be the same person I was. I just hope that I can be the best mother to Avery. That is all I live for now. As for myself, if it was not for Avery, I do not know where I would be.