Saturday, April 10, 2010

Things are looking up

Last week, I traveled to Leesville to se my family and to select a marker for Matt and my grave site. I think I picked out a nice one and that Matt would be proud. Once it is made and set in place, I will be able to show a picture. I think it will be strange to see the finished product once it is set because it will have my name on it also. I know that I want to be next to Matt when it is my time to go so I bought a double person marker. Avery, my dad and I went to the grave site for the first time since the funeral, at least for Avery and me. My dad had been there before last month. He went to check on some things and see his sister. The site looked nice and well kept. My aunt and uncle are doing a great job keeping everything nice and neat. I really appreciate their help taking care of the site since I am not able to travel to Leesville as much as I would like to. While we were there, we celebrated my Dad's birthday and Easter. I have included some picture for you too see. The birthday- Easter dinner included two aunts, 2 uncles, two cousins, 5 second cousins, a neighbor, my Dad, Avery and myself. It was a full house and fun times. My Aunts surprised my dad with a cake while everyone sand Happy Birthday to you. He was surprised. He got some fried pies from my aunt for his birthday. If anyone knows my dad, you would know he likes the Little Debbie fried pies. He got cherry, apple and lemon. There were some honey buns thrown in there also. Apple is the fav! She also got him some meat pies but we were not able to bring them home with us. Can you believe in all of Leesville, he was not able to find a styrenfoam cooler anywhere. Walmart did not even have any. He was so disappointed. My aunt will keep them in the freezer for him and he will look forward to when he can bring them back.

Avery had her first Easter also. The Easter Bunny brought her a stuffed bunny, a picture album book she can chew on and some Beaudreux's Butt paste. Gotta love the butt paste! I know she will get to use it at some time. Also, Avery turned 20 weeks old that Saturday and turned 21 weeks today.

Today I have to say was a good day. I got some errands completed. Got the budget completed for the month of March. Got some bills paid that I had been putting off, but now it is a weight lifted off my shoulders. Got the income tax forms sent off before the deadline. Nice to know I was able to gather everything I needed, even though I kept stumbling upon things I did not know we had. Was able to go through Avery's clothes and pick out the ones she has out grown. It is hard to know that she will never wear those clothes again. She is growing so fast. I can not believe it! Then I was able to go to the company BBQ cookoff and have some great food. Got there at the right time to taste the food and then hear the awards. Congrats to all the winners. Avery, my dad and my brother joined me as we traveled to LaPorte. It was a nice dat after all. I feel like I am starting to get a hold of some of the things that Matt always took care of, like the budget, taxes, how to invest money, household decisions. It feels good that I was able to learn these things from him while he was here. He was always such a planner. Tomorrow I will need to tackle the laundry and try to clean the house up a bit. Still having trouble with our DVR. Waiting on the techincian to come back on Monday with a brand new one. Th DVR went out Wed night and the tech came by this morning. He installed a new one and now, at least we can watch tv, where we were not able to before. But I still can not record any shows or rewind during a show. That is a littel frustrating, but I think I can get over it. I hope they give me a credit on the days that it has not been working properly. I think it worked well today for about 3 hours and then started acting up again. Just need to get through the next 48 and we should be good to go. Thanks for reading. I hope you all have a great week!
Miss Avery Ann at 20 weeks old. She chews on everything.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Okay, Now I am Mad

I just have to get this off my chest. I am mad at the fact that Avery was not the last baby that Matt held before his accident, that would be his friend's son. I wish that she was. I am mad that I am not the last person that Matt talked to before his accident. He would have talked to his friend before the accident. I am mad that he did not sleep his last night at home with me in our bed. No, he slept at his friends house because it was closer to the hunting location. I am mad that his last meal was not with me and Avery. It was at his friend's house. I did not get to share in any of the things that Matt did for the last time before his accident. I know that some of these things are petty but I am mad that I was not the last for any of these things. I hope he knows how much he is missed. It has been two and a half months since the accident and I still think I am going to see him in the living room waiting for me when I walk in there. I still want him to come home to me after a long day at work, and go out to the back yard and calm Jack down like he always did. I want to hear the garage door close when he puts Jack up from running and then come into the house and get some water from the sink. These are the things that he did. He was like clock work on what he did. Wed he stayed home to relax after work. He took that day off from working out. I missing watching American Idol with him and he making fun of the comments that the judges made. He was always saying, "I wish I could vote Paula off." I would laugh every time and say you can't do that. Now I will never get to do that again. I can not even really watch the show all the way through because it is just not the same. I read some where about a woman who lost her husband. They would always fight over the remote and what to watch, and now that she can watch anything she wants, there is nothing she wants to watch. I feel the same way. Nothing is as good as it once way.
Another thing I am mad at is that I did not get to enjoy all the last couple of months as much as I should have with my baby daughter. I have had to worry about getting things done. Getting names changed on accounts. Taking care of the bills. Being up set about Matt not being here. I know you are supposed to make the best out of what you have, but it only goes so far. From the accident until about a week or so ago, I have lost all that time enjoying my baby. I feel so bad that I missed out on that. I mean I played with her and took care of her, but I was not able to enjoy her that way I should have. She has grown up so much, I feel like I have missed it. I took pictures and have documented all that she has done, but I do not think I have done all I should have done. All these things I am mad about it was because I feel they were all taken away from me with one shot. Yes it was an accident, and DuPont says that all accidents are preventable. Well, you know what, Matt could not prevent this accident other than not going. The person who could have prevented it knows who he is.
AS for other things I would like to say, I can not say. If they are that mean, they do not belong on the Internet. They are things I need to say in person. I do not feel that I will every be able to say what I really feel to who I want to because I do not like confrontation. Please understand that it is not you, it is what has happened and I think I have a right to feel this way. My soul mate has been taken away from me and now I am left to live my life as half a person, because my other half is dead. When Matt died, I died a little too. I know I will never be the same person I was. I just hope that I can be the best mother to Avery. That is all I live for now. As for myself, if it was not for Avery, I do not know where I would be.