Friday, July 30, 2010

Wedding Ring

Even though I am a widow, I still wear my wedding rings. At first I did not wear them, but my hand felt naked and it felt strang to not wear them. I was talking to my mother one day and she was like, wear them if you want too. And I started to think, you know I will continue to wear my rings. I did not choose to become a single parent, to not be with Matt. I still want to be married, and we would be married today if he was not killed in the accident. I feel that I should be able to wear my ring becuase I do not feel like I am single yet. I am a widow but I am not single. I still have love for Matt and always will. I am not out looking for another relationship so if I wear my ring, who cares. I think that once I am ready to move on to meeting people, then I will stop wearing my ring, but right now, I still consider my self a married woman.

What I think About

At this point, I still can not accept the fact that Matt is dead and it has been over 6 months. Avery is growing up so fast and now Matt is not here to see her and to hold her and to touch her. I do cry a little each day about what has happened. One day it might before for Avery because she will not be able to know her father for her self, just from stories that people have been so nice to write about him. I just start to think of the tings that he was supposed to do with her. He was going to walk her down the aisle when she got married. He is supposed to teach her how to throw a ball, he was a pitcher. He was also supposed to protect her from the guys when she started to date. Sit on the couch, cleaning his gun, he always said, as he asked the guy who was coming to pick her up for a date questions. He needed to intimidate them.
I do not want not having a father to cause Avery to not be the best that she can be. You always hear those stories of children that are messed but and then it comes back to I did not have my mother or father around. Will this be the case for Avery, I always wonder.
I want to, one day, give her a little brother or a little sister, but I do not know if that will ever happen. I can not even think about dating another person now, much less if I would ever get married. The only that I do know is that one day I would like to have another child.
These are the things that I think about that I wish I knew the answer to. I will never know the answer either. Avery will turn out the way she will, but I will never know how she would have been is Matt were here with us.


So over the past couple of months I have done a lot of thinking. It has done me so good and I keep thinking that I need to just write it down but I never have time to. Well, today I did.
I have been thinking about the person that took Matt away from Avery and me. He took him away from his parents, bothers and all his friends and extended family. Right now, I can say that he maybe sorry for what he has done, but would you think that if he was so sorry for what he has done he may try to contact the people that he hurt? Why would it take some one to contact him from Matt’s family before he would extend another “I am sorry.”? And from that, the response from him was that it helps him for his recovery to know that we, Matt’s family, are doing well.
Is it bad of me to not want him to get better, to not heal? I just think that his healing makes him think that what he did was not wrong. The longer I think about things, the more I have to say that I do not forgive him. People that say that they could forgive someone for this, well I will just have to tip my hat to them, because I do not think I could ever do that. There are so many things that I would like to tell him and so many places I would like to tell him to go. I am not sure if I can move on until I do that, but I never want to talk to this person again. I am not sure how I would be if I ever did see him face to face again. I may go off on him and blow up, but then again I am not one for confronting people so I may just cry or ignore him.
He was Matt’s friend, but that was the only connection that I had to him and his family. Yes I was getting closer to his family because we had both just had children, but that was it. I was never close to them. I have a connection to them, but it is one that I wish I did not have.