Monday, September 6, 2010

Letter for Avery

This is a letter that I have started for Avery so that she can know all the things her daddy did for her while he was still here. It is just something that I wanted to write for her. I have decided to share it just to let other people know how good of a father Matt was for the little time he had to be around Avery. This is something that I will keep adding to as the days go by because I am not able to write down everything in one sitting. For everyone who reads this, this is just a place where I feel I can get my feelings out.

I am writing this to you so that you can know how much your dad loved you and how much you meant to him. Right after we brought you home from the hospital, they told us that we needed to take you your doctor so that he could check you out and you would be able to meet each other. We brought you home on a Sunday so we were not able to make an appointment that day, but we needed to take you in to see Dr. Smith within two days of us leaving the hospital at least that is what the nurses said. The next morning right when he woke up, your dad was on the phone calling your doctor to get an appointment for you to come in and we went in to see the doctor at 2 that afternoon. Also before the left the hospital, the nurses said that we need to sit in the sun light of a window for about an hour a day to help with the little bit of jaundice that you had. So, while we were waiting for your appointment, you dad got ready for the day and then sat in the study with you in his arms in front of the window so that you could get some sun. He was so gentle with you. He made sure that you little head, arms and hand were out to be able to absorb the light from the sun. He was so proud of you and wanted to do everything for you. Later right as we were about to leave and go to your first doctor appointment, we heard this loud noise. You had messed your diaper. I turned to your dad and told him it was his turn to change the diaper. He took you into our room where the changer was and set you down and changed your diaper with so much care. He made sure that the wipes were ready to go and the clean diaper was ready to be put on before he started to undress you. He was so cute, I could not help but giggle, but at the same time I was giving you daddy a hard time because he had not changed a dirty diaper. When we were at the hospital, all the diapers he changed were just wet. He got very good at it.
A couple of days later he started singing a song every time you went poopy. He would sing “Poopy time, poop poopy time.” This would get on my nerves because you were not the easiest baby to change a diaper on, but your daddy loved that song and would sing it whenever he knew the diaper was poopy. You daddy also was to started teaching you early. He thought that if we told you we were going to fixe you up every time we changed you diaper, when you got old enough to talk you would come up to us and say, “I need you to fix me up.” He said it every time, I did not remember but I know that if he was still here, he would be saying it to you and he would be reminding me to say it to you.

After you were born and I was staying home with you, dad returned to work so that he could bring home the bacon. After about two weeks you had another doctor’s appointment. Your dad came home and we went to the appointment together. We talked with the doctor and he checked you out and I asked the doctor about tummy time. Dr. Smith said it was very important for us to do tummy time with you since you slept on your back. When you are awake, you needed to be on you tummy so that you could build your back and neck muscles. Also, if you were on your back too much, you would have a flat head. After the appointment, every time you daddy came home from work, he would ask if I had done tummy time with you because he did not want you to have a flat head. Then after he got home from work and ran with Jack, our lab, he would come back in and take care of you while I fixed dinner. He would do tummy time with you and encourage you to lift your head up and turn it from one side to the other. He would lay right next to you on your mat and show you how. I have some pictures and video of this when you would like to see it. Once you got to be a little older, around 4 or 5 weeks old, we were to started giving you bottles so that you would learn how to use then for when you started day care. This was your daddy’s job. He would give you a bottle everyday at 8 PM. That was the schedule we had you on at the time. You would fuss so much and did not want to take it at all. Your daddy was so patient with you, but he did get frustrated. He would talk to you and ask you to take it. Then when you did start taking to the bottle, he would encourage you then too. He was your big cheerleader for drinking out of the bottle. He would set up with the boppy pillow and a burp cloth. I have a picture of you and your daddy feeding you your first bottle. Your daddy was concentrating so hard so that he did not hurt you giving you the bottle, but he did not want you to spit the bottle out everywhere either. Usually when he was giving you the bottle, I would go take my shower. This was your bonding time with daddy. By the time I would come back into the living room, your daddy had you in his arms, holding you close to his chest burping you, or just rocking you in the recliner. You were never a really good burper, but he would always burp you because he did not want your tummy to hurt if you did get gas from the bottle. He loved you so much and could not wait to teach you every thing that he knew.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Growing up Too fast

Now my little girl is 9 months old. I can not believe that she is already sitting, crawling, and pulling up to stand. This is awesome, but so scary and nerve racking for me. With her pulling up, every time, I see it, I will be right behind her because I do not want her to just let go and fall down. Today she was in the kitchen and pulled up. Right there on the tile. It startled me and I had to go right there and stand behind her just in case she just let go. I did not want her to fall onto the tile, that would have been horrible. I have also started to get all the things down off the tops that she can reach so she will not be tempted to pull it down and put it in her mouth. Every day is something new. Not only is she going through the changes that I mentioned above, she is also teething. We have one tooth that broke through, but now it seems that there are some more coming in and she is letting us know. I know this too shall pass, but I hope it passes quickly. This is where I need to have Matt here. He needs to be here to help me get through this. He was the level headed one and was able to calm me down when things got too stressful for me. I need him to be able to take her and calm her down too. I think that sometimes, not only does the mom or dad need a break for the child, but the child needs a break from the one parent they are around all the time. In this case, that would be me. I know that if Matt was still here, he would be around Avery as much as possible and we may not even need a break because we would be fighting over who would take care of Avery. I know that I would be getting the feedings since I am still nursing, but that would be the only given. I hope that everyone who reads this does not take their significant other for granted. I never would have thought that Matt would have been taken from me so soon. Still I say he had so much to live for and still so much to accomplish. I still can not believe that he is not here. Always tell the ones you love that you love them. Always give a hug when you can and a kiss on the cheek. You never know if that would be the last time you see or talk to them. Matt taught me how to love people more than I did before I knew him. I am so grateful for the friends and family that I have. They have helped me so much since everything happened in January. I would give anything to have Matt back, and I know so many other people that feel the same way, but I know that is not possible. I just need to be patient to be able to see him later, but it is times like these, when Avery is growing up so fast that makes me sad that he is not here to see her accomplish so much. Yes, people will say that he can see her from Heaven, but I want him here to be able to hold her as she braces herself up against the coffee tables right after the pulls herself up. He should be here worrying about her, if she is going to fall and hit her head if she is on the tile. He should be here so that she can hold on to his hands and fingers as she starts to take her first steps with assistance. I am having to wear two hats right now and it is wearing me out. As I type this, I want to say "Thanks a lot for what you have done to my family. Thanks for taking a whole bunch of love and happiness from us and given us this grief and wishing. Now we have to go on and take care of what we need to, but it is not with out pain. There are little things that light up this darkness that I live in, and if it was not for Avery and all the love and joy that she brings me, I do not know how my world would be. One second changed my life forever and 5 seconds would have made a all the difference in the world." I needed to get that out, and for everyone who reads this, please be careful in all that you do...

Friday, July 30, 2010

Wedding Ring

Even though I am a widow, I still wear my wedding rings. At first I did not wear them, but my hand felt naked and it felt strang to not wear them. I was talking to my mother one day and she was like, wear them if you want too. And I started to think, you know I will continue to wear my rings. I did not choose to become a single parent, to not be with Matt. I still want to be married, and we would be married today if he was not killed in the accident. I feel that I should be able to wear my ring becuase I do not feel like I am single yet. I am a widow but I am not single. I still have love for Matt and always will. I am not out looking for another relationship so if I wear my ring, who cares. I think that once I am ready to move on to meeting people, then I will stop wearing my ring, but right now, I still consider my self a married woman.

What I think About

At this point, I still can not accept the fact that Matt is dead and it has been over 6 months. Avery is growing up so fast and now Matt is not here to see her and to hold her and to touch her. I do cry a little each day about what has happened. One day it might before for Avery because she will not be able to know her father for her self, just from stories that people have been so nice to write about him. I just start to think of the tings that he was supposed to do with her. He was going to walk her down the aisle when she got married. He is supposed to teach her how to throw a ball, he was a pitcher. He was also supposed to protect her from the guys when she started to date. Sit on the couch, cleaning his gun, he always said, as he asked the guy who was coming to pick her up for a date questions. He needed to intimidate them.
I do not want not having a father to cause Avery to not be the best that she can be. You always hear those stories of children that are messed but and then it comes back to I did not have my mother or father around. Will this be the case for Avery, I always wonder.
I want to, one day, give her a little brother or a little sister, but I do not know if that will ever happen. I can not even think about dating another person now, much less if I would ever get married. The only that I do know is that one day I would like to have another child.
These are the things that I think about that I wish I knew the answer to. I will never know the answer either. Avery will turn out the way she will, but I will never know how she would have been is Matt were here with us.


So over the past couple of months I have done a lot of thinking. It has done me so good and I keep thinking that I need to just write it down but I never have time to. Well, today I did.
I have been thinking about the person that took Matt away from Avery and me. He took him away from his parents, bothers and all his friends and extended family. Right now, I can say that he maybe sorry for what he has done, but would you think that if he was so sorry for what he has done he may try to contact the people that he hurt? Why would it take some one to contact him from Matt’s family before he would extend another “I am sorry.”? And from that, the response from him was that it helps him for his recovery to know that we, Matt’s family, are doing well.
Is it bad of me to not want him to get better, to not heal? I just think that his healing makes him think that what he did was not wrong. The longer I think about things, the more I have to say that I do not forgive him. People that say that they could forgive someone for this, well I will just have to tip my hat to them, because I do not think I could ever do that. There are so many things that I would like to tell him and so many places I would like to tell him to go. I am not sure if I can move on until I do that, but I never want to talk to this person again. I am not sure how I would be if I ever did see him face to face again. I may go off on him and blow up, but then again I am not one for confronting people so I may just cry or ignore him.
He was Matt’s friend, but that was the only connection that I had to him and his family. Yes I was getting closer to his family because we had both just had children, but that was it. I was never close to them. I have a connection to them, but it is one that I wish I did not have.

Sunday, May 30, 2010


So I have to say that I am a little embarassed. I went to the picture studio last weekend to get Avery's six month pictures done. My brother went with me because he was staying with me to help me take care of Avery for the week. He was great. Helped me load the car and get everything ready to go and get to the studio on time.
So we started to take pictures and all was going fine. Avery was a little cranky because she had been up a while and it was time for her to take a nap, so I did not do very well on scheduling the time for the pictures to be taken. While she was on the floor for the camera, she got a littel fussy and the photographers said "Avery look at Daddy." And bother my brother and I were like no. Dad is not here. I said that is my brother, Grant said I am the uncle. Then the photographer proceeded to ask where the father was and I had to say that he had died. That ended that conversation quickly.
Then yesterday, I went to the grocery store with my parents and brother. We were standing in line to check out and I guess it was a manager that came up and was like what I cute little baby. Where is the father, looking at my brother. We all had to say that he was not there and that Grant, the person he though was the father, was actually my brother, the baby's uncle. My
mom proceeded to say that the father was out of town. I am so tired of having to explain myself, or give a reason for Matt not being here. I know that these people don't know, but I would like for people to stop assuming that since there is a baby in the picture, that if I am out with my brother, people assume it is Avery's dad. I am getting embarrassed to go out with him just for this reason. Then I really dont want to just go out with my parents, because then I feel like people are looking at me like I got pregant out of wed lock and not my parents are having to take care of the both of us, which I would like to say is not the case, at least financially. Yes they do help me raise her, because they have been here visiting but that is about to change. I think I am going to have my first week with just Avery and I here are the house. It is going to be scary for me, but I know there are people here that will help me out if I need it.

Below are some picture from Avery's Six months.


So today I have to say that I am happy. I am happy to have a great family that has been taking care of Avery and I since Matt’s accident. I have great neighbors that are helping to take care of Avery and I since Matt’s accident too. They have been able to keep my yard groomed, watch Avery when I have to be away and I am not able to take Avery with me, keep me company when I am sad and I need to keep my mind off other things, kept me fed so I have not had to worry about food and just have been there when I needed to talk to someone. I could not ask for anything more than what they have been giving me.
On the other hand, I am happy for all the new mothers on my street too. Since Matt’s accident, 5 babies have been born on my street. I am very happy that they all arrived healthy and thriving. All the mothers are healthy and home with their little ones. With this happiness brings a great deal of sadness to me. I see all the new fathers on the street and I think of Matt. What would he being doing with Avery right now.
My neighbors had a cookout tonight for Memorial Day which was great. It was great to get out and see all the neighbors with their babies and see the people I have not seen in a while. I also go to meet some neighbors that had just recently moved in on our street. With this, I also see the interaction of the mothers with the fathers, the children with their father and it breaks my heart that I don’t have that any more and Avery does not have that now and will not have that later on in life. It is hard for me to be truly happy for each of their families. I am finding myself being more jealous of them than happy for them. I keep wondering to my self, is something going to happen to that new father. Is he going to make it past the first nine weeks of his baby’s birth? I am not wishing for anything to happen to them. I want everyone to be around for the next 20 years so our children can all grow up together, since they were all born within seven months of each other.
I am glad to be around friends, but I know that I do put on a good act for the majority of my life now. I guess I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, but I know they know I hurt. I feel like the out cast so bad now. I feel removed away from people that I used to be really close to because I do not think they know how to talk to me and I feel the same. I don’t know how to talk to them. I know that Avery with be friends with all the kids that were just born, but I feel like she is already removed from that group of children because she is four months older that the next kid that was born, and all the others were born with in 2 months of each other. I know that 6 months is not that much once the kids are older, but it is just one more thing that goes through my head.
From now on, I am the person that has a kid and is not married. I am not the same person and the people that meet me for the first time know will never know the person I was before Matt was gone. I want that person back. I don’t know that if I did not have to be, I don’t think that I would be around myself right now. If I was still the person I was, I would be a better worker, better friend, and a better mother. I would be able to enjoy things more with Avery and not worry so much about everything. I have reverted back to the way I was before Matt. I use to care about what people thought of me and I use to work so hard to fit in with the “cool” crowd. When I was with Matt, I was in the “cool” crowd. All that I cared about was what he thought about me. I wanted to make him proud of me. I worked hard to be a better person for him, because of him, and then for myself. From that I was able to be myself all the time and the people who liked me liked me and the people who did not, well then that was their loss and I did not sweat it. I need to find the confidence that I once had. I am so scared of life now that I do not want to move forward. I want things to stand still and let me just sit where I am.
Happiness is what you make of it and I am finding it hard to see it in my life everyday.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Things are looking up

Last week, I traveled to Leesville to se my family and to select a marker for Matt and my grave site. I think I picked out a nice one and that Matt would be proud. Once it is made and set in place, I will be able to show a picture. I think it will be strange to see the finished product once it is set because it will have my name on it also. I know that I want to be next to Matt when it is my time to go so I bought a double person marker. Avery, my dad and I went to the grave site for the first time since the funeral, at least for Avery and me. My dad had been there before last month. He went to check on some things and see his sister. The site looked nice and well kept. My aunt and uncle are doing a great job keeping everything nice and neat. I really appreciate their help taking care of the site since I am not able to travel to Leesville as much as I would like to. While we were there, we celebrated my Dad's birthday and Easter. I have included some picture for you too see. The birthday- Easter dinner included two aunts, 2 uncles, two cousins, 5 second cousins, a neighbor, my Dad, Avery and myself. It was a full house and fun times. My Aunts surprised my dad with a cake while everyone sand Happy Birthday to you. He was surprised. He got some fried pies from my aunt for his birthday. If anyone knows my dad, you would know he likes the Little Debbie fried pies. He got cherry, apple and lemon. There were some honey buns thrown in there also. Apple is the fav! She also got him some meat pies but we were not able to bring them home with us. Can you believe in all of Leesville, he was not able to find a styrenfoam cooler anywhere. Walmart did not even have any. He was so disappointed. My aunt will keep them in the freezer for him and he will look forward to when he can bring them back.

Avery had her first Easter also. The Easter Bunny brought her a stuffed bunny, a picture album book she can chew on and some Beaudreux's Butt paste. Gotta love the butt paste! I know she will get to use it at some time. Also, Avery turned 20 weeks old that Saturday and turned 21 weeks today.

Today I have to say was a good day. I got some errands completed. Got the budget completed for the month of March. Got some bills paid that I had been putting off, but now it is a weight lifted off my shoulders. Got the income tax forms sent off before the deadline. Nice to know I was able to gather everything I needed, even though I kept stumbling upon things I did not know we had. Was able to go through Avery's clothes and pick out the ones she has out grown. It is hard to know that she will never wear those clothes again. She is growing so fast. I can not believe it! Then I was able to go to the company BBQ cookoff and have some great food. Got there at the right time to taste the food and then hear the awards. Congrats to all the winners. Avery, my dad and my brother joined me as we traveled to LaPorte. It was a nice dat after all. I feel like I am starting to get a hold of some of the things that Matt always took care of, like the budget, taxes, how to invest money, household decisions. It feels good that I was able to learn these things from him while he was here. He was always such a planner. Tomorrow I will need to tackle the laundry and try to clean the house up a bit. Still having trouble with our DVR. Waiting on the techincian to come back on Monday with a brand new one. Th DVR went out Wed night and the tech came by this morning. He installed a new one and now, at least we can watch tv, where we were not able to before. But I still can not record any shows or rewind during a show. That is a littel frustrating, but I think I can get over it. I hope they give me a credit on the days that it has not been working properly. I think it worked well today for about 3 hours and then started acting up again. Just need to get through the next 48 and we should be good to go. Thanks for reading. I hope you all have a great week!
Miss Avery Ann at 20 weeks old. She chews on everything.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Okay, Now I am Mad

I just have to get this off my chest. I am mad at the fact that Avery was not the last baby that Matt held before his accident, that would be his friend's son. I wish that she was. I am mad that I am not the last person that Matt talked to before his accident. He would have talked to his friend before the accident. I am mad that he did not sleep his last night at home with me in our bed. No, he slept at his friends house because it was closer to the hunting location. I am mad that his last meal was not with me and Avery. It was at his friend's house. I did not get to share in any of the things that Matt did for the last time before his accident. I know that some of these things are petty but I am mad that I was not the last for any of these things. I hope he knows how much he is missed. It has been two and a half months since the accident and I still think I am going to see him in the living room waiting for me when I walk in there. I still want him to come home to me after a long day at work, and go out to the back yard and calm Jack down like he always did. I want to hear the garage door close when he puts Jack up from running and then come into the house and get some water from the sink. These are the things that he did. He was like clock work on what he did. Wed he stayed home to relax after work. He took that day off from working out. I missing watching American Idol with him and he making fun of the comments that the judges made. He was always saying, "I wish I could vote Paula off." I would laugh every time and say you can't do that. Now I will never get to do that again. I can not even really watch the show all the way through because it is just not the same. I read some where about a woman who lost her husband. They would always fight over the remote and what to watch, and now that she can watch anything she wants, there is nothing she wants to watch. I feel the same way. Nothing is as good as it once way.
Another thing I am mad at is that I did not get to enjoy all the last couple of months as much as I should have with my baby daughter. I have had to worry about getting things done. Getting names changed on accounts. Taking care of the bills. Being up set about Matt not being here. I know you are supposed to make the best out of what you have, but it only goes so far. From the accident until about a week or so ago, I have lost all that time enjoying my baby. I feel so bad that I missed out on that. I mean I played with her and took care of her, but I was not able to enjoy her that way I should have. She has grown up so much, I feel like I have missed it. I took pictures and have documented all that she has done, but I do not think I have done all I should have done. All these things I am mad about it was because I feel they were all taken away from me with one shot. Yes it was an accident, and DuPont says that all accidents are preventable. Well, you know what, Matt could not prevent this accident other than not going. The person who could have prevented it knows who he is.
AS for other things I would like to say, I can not say. If they are that mean, they do not belong on the Internet. They are things I need to say in person. I do not feel that I will every be able to say what I really feel to who I want to because I do not like confrontation. Please understand that it is not you, it is what has happened and I think I have a right to feel this way. My soul mate has been taken away from me and now I am left to live my life as half a person, because my other half is dead. When Matt died, I died a little too. I know I will never be the same person I was. I just hope that I can be the best mother to Avery. That is all I live for now. As for myself, if it was not for Avery, I do not know where I would be.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Last week

Last week Matt's mom came to visit and to help me with Avery. I was so happy that she was able to come out. I was not sure how it was going to be and she felt the same way. When she first got here I have to admit that I was a little nervous with her being here. I was not sure how she was going to be while she was here. Not sure if she was going to be able to handle being in the house where her middle born son had lived, made his life, and then left back in January. TO my surprise and to her own, she had a great visit.
The first day that she was here was a quit day at the house. My dad dropped her off after picking her up from the airport, got his things together and then left to go back to Kerrville. Donna and I hugged and said our hellos. Avery was sleeping when she arrived. We sat around in the living room talking about little things, not of real importance. Avery then woke up and we went to get her and play with her. As the day went on, our conversation got back to Matt, which we both know it would. We shared our thoughts of what had happened, what we were mad about and why we thoughts things were unfair for this to happend. I shared my thoughts of the accident itself. Just the way that Matt died is hard for me to accept. It was something that did not have to happen at all. When we are little kids, we are taught to not point guns in the direction of other, correct? I hate to admit this, but if Matt were to have gotten into accident because he fell asleep at the wheel, I would have understood that. He was a person that fell asleep very easily. When he wanted to sleep, he would just have to close his eyes and he would be asleep. He always said that the first 30 to 45 min of a trip were the hardest. He would need to pull over for 10 to 15 min and then he could drive all night. Then another thing that could have happened to Matt and it would have been easier to accept was if he was at a chemical plant and there was an accident there, I would have been able to accept that too. I mean, we do not have things like what happened at BP happen all the time, but they do happen. Matt loved his work, and would be out there trying to figue out things if there had been an upset and he would have been trying to solve the problem. He would not put him self in danger, but that is something I could see happening over what did happen.
Donna shared some thoughts with me to. I am choosing not to share what she said because they were not my thoughts and if she wanted them to be public, she would write them out.
Monday was hard on Donna for very good reasons, but I think Avery being at school and me being at work let Donna get some closure being at the house. She was able to work through some things that she was scared to face, but still not willing to accept. Tuesday and Wed I would say really helped her. Avery stayed home with Donna so they could get to know each other. Each day I got home, Donna was holding Avery or on the floor with her playing on the play mat. It was so cute. They bonded and I am so glad that they did. Avery knows both of her grandmothers. They both have taken great care of Avery in their own individual ways. No one is the same. Also, Tuesday my brother came over for a visit. Him and Donna were talking when I got home having a good conversation. When I got home I joined them and Fed Avery. When it was time for my brother to leave, I walked him out and we said out good byes. I told him I loved him and he did the same. Before he closed the door to his car, he got back out and told me to tell Donna that he loved her too! He forgot to tell her before he left so he wanted me to tell her when I went back in. When I got inside, I did tell her. Her face lit up and she was surprised and happy to hear that Grant would say something like that. They did not know each other very well, but the time that they talked and then the more time that the spent together over the weekend when Grant came to visit, they got to know each other. I was very happy for that.
The rest of the week went very well. Donna fed me so I Was able to feed Avery. She helped so much by cleaning the house, doing the laundry and then also taking care of Avery when I needed to get things done myself. Monday Donna went with me and Avery to Avery's 4 month check up. I was glad that she came with me because the last time that I was at the Dr with Avery, Matt was with me. It was 2 days before the accident. While I was in there, and just driving there, I was remembering the last visit. We had a whole list of questions to ask. This time I did not because I have been trying to hard to stay busy around the house, I had not stopped to make the list like I had before. We found out that Avery is 13 lbs, 6 oz and 24 inches long. Growing like a weed and in the 50% for her age, so she is just right!

Donna thank you so much for coming out. I am glad that being here was able to help you and that you did not want to leave. I can not wait for you to come back.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

You do not know what I am going through

It has been a while since I have written in this blog, but there has been something on my mind that I have been wanting to write about. This item may be upsetting to some people, but it is something that I think about daily. I really appreciate all the thoughts and prayers that people have been sending our way. I think that they have really helped.
On to my thoughts that have been going through my head.

In conversations and letter that I have receive, people have said that they do not know what to say because they do not know what I am feeling. I have to say that this is true. I know that it is hard to want to comfort someone and not know what to say. Some people try to come up with something that they think will help, but in this situation it will not help me, so if you say, “I do not know what to say”, I understand. If you say that you do understand and that I will get through this, I know that eventually I will be able to move forward, but I will never get over this, or through it. It is something that I deal with on a daily basis. In the future, it will hurt less, but I will still feel pain. As for the people that say they know what I am feeling, I have to say, do you really? Did you lose the love of your life right after you had a baby? Did this occur in a tragic accident? If you said yes to both of the questions, them maybe you do, but if you answered No to either of these question, you have no idea what I am going through. I have had people so that they know what I am going through because they are about to go through a divorce, or have gone through one and became a single parent. My response to this is the hell you don’t. You choose to become a single parent. Not that it was a easy decision for you, but you still had a choice in the matter and it is something that you probably were thinking about for a while, not something that happened over night. Also, you children will still have a father/mother to help raise your child/children. They may not be in a traditional family, but they still have two parents. For the person that has lost the love of the life due to an illness, you still do not know what I am going through. You had time to prepare yourself for what was going to happen. I know it was a still hard on you, but the illness let you know that it was a possibility, it was not something that was totally unexpected. Also for the person that has said that they know what I am going through because they did lose the love of their life in a tragic accident and they have children, okay I am listening. But then I look back, wait, you are older. You lived half of you life with your spouse. Your children were lucky enough to know their mother and father. They were old enough to have memories of their mother and father. You do not know what I am going through. I still have not met anyone that can say they know what I am going through. Talking to my father, he has stated that what I am going through could not even be dreamt up by the writers in Hollywood. You can not make this stuff up. There are the movies out there that have the parent pass away, but it is usually after a long battle with some illness. Not like Avery has lost her father.
Also, if you come to me and tell me that there was a reason for what has happened and that there is a plan, I am sorry. At this point, I can not believe that Matt being taken from this earth was going to bring any good to any one. Please do not tell me that. I can not accept that right now. I do not know I will ever be able to accept that until maybe when I pass away and it can be explained to me. This just goes back to, I have memories of Matt but Avery will not and it is not fair to her. I can not believe that having you father taken away before you get to know him is ever a good thing. It just does not make sense.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Letters for Avery

Calling on all of Matt Jansen's friends: I am asking you to write a letter to Avery about Matt. I would like you to write of your favorite time that you spent with Matt so that she will know what kind of person her dad is. If you have a favorite picture that you are able to send to me with the letter, that would be ...great too! Once you have the letter written, message me and I can send you our address.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Next Week

As I started to move around on Monday morning, I knew that my in-laws were on their way to Houston. They were stopping by Matt's friends house to talk to him and to pick up Matt's belongings and truck. While they were there, they did not get to talk to the friend but his wife. I know it was hard for them to listen to what had happened as well as it was hard to her to tell them what had happened. While I was at the house with Avery and my parents, my mom and dad tried to stay busy so they could not think about things. I just pased the house because I had no idea what to do. The night before, I wrote a letter to all the neighbors to let them know what happened. I had to send it to them in an email because I still could not face any one. They started to respond to my email with their condolences.
At this point I was still in shock and could not believe that this had happened. I wanted to hope that I would wake up at some point and life would be as I knew before, but it has been 5 weeks since the accident and nothing is normal.
AS my parents stayed busy taking care of things around the house, I took care of Avery as best I could at the time. With her here, there was really not time for me to just sit and cry like I wanted to. All I did was want to sleep and cry, cry and sleep. That was just not in the cards.
Around 2 or so, John, Erica, Donna, Marvin and Andy showed up at the house. As they came in, we hugged and the emotional toll came all over again. Its seems that as you see someone new, you experience the shock and disbelief all over again. We cried and shared our thoughts with each other and then we had to start talking about planning the arrangements of what to do to celebrate Matt's life. That is something that a 29 year old new mother of a 9 week old daughter should not do. It is something that a parent should not have to experience. It is something that siblings should not have to work through until they are all old a grey, after everyone lived a long life together, having more memories to share with each other. But no, this is what we had to do. It was decided that we would have a memorial service for Matt in Houston at the church where we were married by the person that was over our marriage. As for the burial, there was no talk before about where we wanted to be layed to rest. We would talk about that in 20 years, not 4 years into our marriage. I knew that I wanted to be buried with my father's side of the family in Leesville, LA. Matt's family did not have a family plot, and I knew that Matt was my sole mate. He would refer to me as his penguin, because they mated for life, we were supposed to be together for the rest of ourlives, for years to come. Since it was my decision, there were two plots available for Matt and I in Leesville, so that is it where he will be layed to rest. Monday was a federal holiday so there was really nothing we were able to do at this point but to make plans.
AS the day came to be evening. my neighbors were very supportive. They came by with food, drinks, letting us know that if there was anything they could do, they were there for me and Avery. Matt's good friend Andy stopped by to talk to me and John. One of Matt's former co-workers stopped by and let us know that the people that just came into town were more than welcome to stay at their place so they did not have to worry about hotel rooms. Everyone was so great, we really appreciated it.

Tuesday, my father and Matt's father drove to Leesville to start talking to the funeral home there that was going to take care of the arrangements. My mom went to take care of things in Clear Lake. John Erica, Donna and Andy stayed at the house with me and Avery. Another one of Matt's co-workers and his wife came by to see how we were all doing and to meet Avery. Even though I had only meet Brian and Yvonne twice, from Matt talking about me and Avery to them and to me about them. I felt like I had known them a lot longer than we had. They offered for me to come stay with them over the weekend in the future and I plan on doing that, but just not ready now.

We talked to Rick Carpenter at the church and he was going to come over Wed morning to talk about Matt and how we would like his memorial service to go. That was rough a meeting. It was great for me to hear everything that his family wanted to have said about him. I did not have too much to say, because every time I started talking, I would get too emotional and would not be able to talk. I Was just trying to soak up everything that was being said. The one thing that I did want to have said was that Matt was so proud of Avery. The night before the accident he sent me a message on face book, "Hey Whit, just wanted to let you know that I miss you and Avery. Noah was screaming today and I actually offered to hold him for Sarah. I guess it is the daddy instinct. I'm glad you have other girls to talk to about the baby and everything. Did your parents make it o.k.? Jon and I are hunting in the morning and I... should be home mid afternoon. I'm looking forward to seeing you guys." If I only would have known that this was the last contact I would have had with him, I would have called him. All I want to do is talk to him one more time and let him know how much he means to me. I know now that I took everything I had for granted. It is so hard to just move forward. I still can not believe this has happened.
By Wed evening the plans were set for everything. Memorial service Thursday, visitation Friday and burial on Saturday.
My dad left Thursday night after the service to go to Leesville to give them Matt's suit that he would wear. That meant that I had to go into Matt's clothes and get a suit for him to wear. As I go into the closet, I just started to cry. Again, I am not supposed to be doing this. Thinking is this really my life now? A widowed single parent? This is not how my life is supposed to be. I am supposed to be worried about going back to work and deciding on if I even wan tto go back to work, or if I should take a different job that is not so demanding. That is all out the window now. I pick out the last suit that Matt wore to a formal occasion It was a dark blue suit with light pin stripes. His light purple shirt and tie that match. Here this may be TMI, but I got out the boxers he worn when we got married for him to wear, his belt, socks, shoes and an undershirt. Matt was worried that you may be able to see his nipples through shirts if he did not have an undershirt on. They were really dark.
For those that came to the memorial service, thank you. It was really nice and I think Matt would have been proud of it. He would have enjoyed it. It was nice to see people there and nice to know that our family has your support. The visitation was nice. It was good to see that people from Matt's home town were able to make it out to show their condolences and the funeral was as good as one can be.
I stayed in Leesville for a couple of more days with my dad at my aunt and uncle's house, while my mom and brother drove back to their respective homes. We visited the grave site two more times before we left LA. My aunt assured me that her and my uncle would take care of the site, and make sure that is stayed nice until we were able to make it out there again.
My dad and I stopped off at my house to get some more things for Avery and my self and stayed the night. Then the next day we traveled to Kerrville where my parents lives. It was nice to be there because there were less things at their house that reminded me of Matt and I was able to just relax the whole time we were there. We took care of some loose ends that needed to be taken care of and got to see my grandmother that lives in Kerrville too. She was able to meet Avery Ann for the first time. She was smitten by my little baby. Even though my grandmother can not really talk and say complete sentences, and she may not have understood that Avery was her great granddaughter, she was impressed with her. As they sat next to each other, my grandmother had Avery by the hand and was not going to let go. They made faces at each other and when Avery had a little gas, she made her great grandmother laugh out loud and say "Oh my!" I was happy there were able to meet. As the week came to a close, it was time for me to go back to Houston and start back to work. My mom and I drove back on Feb 6th, went to costco on the 7th and I headed into work on the 8th while my mom dropped of Avery at daycare. The first couple of nights I slept in the study on the twin bed. When my father arrived on that Wed, I started to sleep in Avery's room on a blow up mattress. I still have not been able to sleep in the bed that Matt and I shared and I am not sure when I will be able to. Our house has so many memories. I love living here and it is hard to live here all at the same time.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Matthew Thomas Jansen

This is something that my brother in law wrote about Matt. He is Matt's older brother and I think that it is really good.

Matthew Thomas Jansen
By: Andrew Phillip Jansen
Everything I’m not
My brother
My rock
My friend
Why did your life have to end?
Left behind
Wife and new born
Never knew him
The best
They say
Die young
He went quick
No pain
Instant erase
Sent into outer space
Pearly gates
Crystal sea
A mansion
Prepared for him
To move in
Some solace
He is in heaven
Will see him again
1 day
Perfect body
Perfect mind
Playing baseball
So sad to see his mortal shell
The final closing
His body lies under the sod
His soul has gone home to be with god

The rest of the week

SO as the week went on, it also got better. I now was able to complete some work and get things done at work. After the first day, I have determined that I need to pump 3 times a day, not 2 like I thought. Never would have thought I would be producing so much milk.
Tuesday I got home and broke down in front of my mom, but she just wiped my tears away and let me vent. Wed, was better. That evening my dad had come into town and he is going to stay through the next week to help me out when my mom goes back to work. Also, that night Avery slept through the night. She went to bed at 9 and woke up at 5 very hungry. Thursday night was the same, but she woke up at 4:30. Still it was good for me, and after she ate, I was able to go back to sleep for a little bit and sleep until 5:15.
Friday, was a busy day and a good day at work. Sat was a good day. Went to meet some family friends for lunch and then went back to their house to visit some more. It was the parents of my friends, so it was nice to be able to catch up with them and my parents enjoyed visiting with then. At one point I did get upset. I was upstairs with Avery feeding her and I could hear the adults downstairs talking, laughing and having a great time. Then it hit me, that is supposed to be me down there in 30 years, visiting with my friends and my husband and catching up and laughing, having a good ole time. I am not going to have that. It makes me feel like an outcast, because every time I am going to get together when my friends from high school or from college, I am going to be the one that is either single, or if I do find somebody to be with, I will be with the one person that no one knows. It will be odd and uncomfortable. I am not sure if I will be able to handle that. The future makes no sense now. I know that I need to be here for Avery, but I just do not want to be. It hurts so much to think about the future and know that Matt will not be there to share the memories with me and all I have are memories now. Nothing new to experience with him. Avery will not have her memories and I think that she will be missing out on one of the best people that she could have have ever met. He would have spoiled her rotten and let her get away with anything, I could already see it coming, just within the first 8 weeks they were able to spend together.
And then today, Sunday, I have been trying to get everything together so that I can file our taxes for 2009. It is going to be so hard to be able to change everything over into my name. Every time I think I have all I need, I stumble onto something else that leads me to search for account information from Matt that I did not know he had. This will be interesting. And it is not easy. Matt handled the finances, I just gave him the information he needed from me and I took care of the house. This is new territory for me and I hope that I can do it correctly.
As for the Valentines day celebration, Matt and I would exchange gifts, but the last two years, I had been out of town on Feb 14th coaching. I know that this is supposed to be a romantic celebration day, but not celebrating it is okay with me. That just continues the tradition from the last two years.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Back to work

Well, I am going to junp a head here and just talk about my first day back to work. It was nice to get back and see everyone at work. They were all nice and very thoughtful. Said they were happy to have me back and that they were sorry for what I am going through. As my neighbor said when I ran into her when I got home, it was like they were "too" nice. I know that they did not want to hurt my feelings, and I am so happy that they care for me, but going back to work after being off for 13 weeks is just hard. And then having to go back after 13 weeks and losing my husband is harder that I would have ever expected. I mean just driving to work and listening to the radio I almost lost it. Songs that I hear that just remind me of him, or songs that just remind me of things I think I will never be able to feel for another person again made my eyes start to tear up as I drove over the toll bridge going to work. Once I got to work, I walked in alone, with two people a head of me I could have said hi to, but I just was not ready to talk to anyone. I got to my office and plugged in my computer. Started to type in all the passwords to get me logged in, ran into a little trouble trying to remeber some of them. Took me a couple of tries to finally get on the server. One of my co-workers stopped by and talk to me for a bit while the computer logged on and it was nice to talk to him. We just talked about things that were light anbd fluffy. Then I was off to the morning meeting. Saw people on the way and said hello to them. One I got to the meeting, it was like the people there were surprised to see me even though they knew I was going to be there. Maybe the did not actually recoginze me because I look so different. I do not have the happy face I normally did when I got to work, did not have a young looking face. Yes I know I am 29 but I have been told I look younger than what I am. Now I feel like I look old and worn. I mean, who would not look that way when you have spent the last three weeks either crying, trying to stop crying, trying to hold it in because you do not want to upset the people around you because you know they are hurting also or just being there, not doing anything but just being.
As the day went on I talked to people to try and get information about what had been going on for the last three months so that I could try to function at work. Try to figure out what I needed to be doing. It was hard to get my bearings. I had to open up the same spreadsheet 4 times to get one report done because I forgot what all went in it. And this spreadsheet takes like 5 min to open each time. Not fun. Then I started to go through my email. Looking at emails to get my up to speed on what I should be working on and trying to figure out what all took place while I was out so that I do not do any work twice. Then looking at the dates on the email just made me so sad. Knowing that when that email was sent, I still had a husband, a daughter and future to look forward to. Then emails sent actually on the date that the accident happened, knowing that day my whole life changed. I had to close my door and just sit there for a min while the tears came and went. I had to be quiet so that no one would hear. I have to be strong at work, but I just feel so weak.
Then comes to the end of the day when I go home. Go home to my baby daughter. I could not wait to see her, but I could at the same time. I did miss her, but everytime I see her I see Matt. I know that will be a good thing later one, but right now it makes me upset and sad. I still have no idea how I am going to raise her by myself. I know that all my friends and family are there for me and I will call you some day, but right now I just can not. I am not one to cry in front of people, that may be why I have not really called anyone. I just start talking about anything and everything, but what ever it is, it will remind me of Matt. IF it does not remind me of him, it reminds me of something that I may not get to experiecen with him. Like just going out to eat again.
OKay back to my day, I got to my care, placed all my stuff in it and started to head out of the parking lot. Then the song comes on, "Use Somebody". For those that were at te Memorial Service or the Funeral, this was the first song that went with the slide show. Kings of Leon had become his new favorite band. He listened to the
album as he ran. Then when he came home, he placed his ipod in the player and played the songs as he did his pushups and crunches. He had deticated his self to fitness since he had saw his friend Gordon in Sept. Gordon had lost some weight and Matt was using him for inspiration. Well, that song was more than just a song, it was a great memory of him. Everytime I hear it, I think of him, but at this moment I could not handle it and I just started to cry. I cried probabbly all the way through the song. Then I just had to turn off the radio. I needed quiet. I needed for me not to think of anything and just be numb. I just do not know how I am going to get through all of this.
I do not want to be here without him, but I do not want to leave Avery. Everything here has a memory of Matt. Just driving down the road. Still have not slept in my bed, it is too hard.

Sunday, February 7, 2010


This is something that was sent to me from someone who has had a similar experiance.

HOW YOU CAN HELP ME (Writer unknown)

Please talk about my loved one, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world. Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin 6 months after my loved one's death. Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with her, the life that we shared, the plans we had for watching our children and grandchildren grow, the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate her life and love into the rest of my life. She is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember her with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

(a) Bring food or a movie over to watch together.
(b) Send me a card on special holidays, his birthday, and the anniversary of his death, and be sure to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.
(c) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up then I really will be alone.
(d) Understand how difficult it is for me to be surrounded by couples, to walk into events alone, to go home alone, to feel out of place in the same situations where I used to feel so comfortable.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely. Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life. What I need now is time to grieve.

Most of all thank you for being my friend. Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for helping, for understanding. Thank you for praying for me.

And remember in the days or years ahead, after your loss - when you need me as I have needed you - I will understand. And then I will come and be with you

Friday, January 29, 2010

After I found out

So from the last post I got to the point where life as I knew it had just come to a halt. As I found out that my husband had been killed in a hunting accident, I had to get off the phone and call my mother. She was at the airport waiting on her friend so that she could change the name on the rental car and come back up to my house. She reassured me that my dad was on his way back to my house as soon as he could get there. All I could do was cry into the phone. All I could say was things like this do not happen to me. I mean I have trouble with my milk supply for my daughter. That should have been the biggest worry for me at this point, and also getting Avery into a schedule so that she could start daycare in three weeks. I could not accept the fact that this was happening to me, I still can not. My mom was great with me on the phone. She just kept saying that she and my dad would take care of Avery and me. Avery, what was she going to do without a father. Who was going to rough house with her when she gets older. Who is going to walk her down the aisle when she gets married. The fact that Matt had just been killed was not fair to me, to his family, but especially not to Avery. She had not even really got to know him. He was so proud of her. The past Friday he had taken some pictures of her up to work to share with his female co-workers. When we found out that I was pregnant, he could not wait to tell his family. And when we found out that it was a girl, he could not wait to tell his grandfather. His grand father always wanted to have a girl in the family. Avery was to be the first female born into the Jansen family in 3 generations.
Soon my dad got back to the house and I just fell into his arms with Avery in mine. I just dug my face into his chest and cried. He cried with me. I know he was going to miss Matt very much also. On a side note, my dad lived with Matt and I for about 3 months right before he retired. Him and Matt bonded while he lived here. They talked about everything. Guns, history, current events, work, almost anything and everything. They shared books that each of them had read and talked about that. My dad moved out and retired from work he moved to Kerrville to be with my mom. When this happened, Matt told me he felt like his best friend in Houston was leaving him. The day Matt died, my dad shared with me that he felt the same way. Matt is missed everyday by so many people, you can not even count.
Avery did not know what was going on. As my dad and I waited for my mom to get back to the house, I paced inside and out of the house. My dad talked to the Jansen family, as at this time, I was unable to talk to anyone. The neighbors were down the street visiting with each other, and I would usually go down and talk with them, but I was not able to this day. They waved, I waved back and went inside. Mom eventually made it back to my house with her co-worker. He co-worker gave me a hug and tried to console me, but it did not work. She left to go to Beaumont, where my mom was supposed to be going with her. Then my mom hugged my and we just broke down together. She was upset that Matt was gone and upset that Avery and my world had just been turned upside down. We just stood there crying into each others shoulders. At this point I still did not know what to do with myself. The day went by slowly. I started to get phone calls and text messages from my friends from school in Huntsville. I did not answer the calls but I did respond to the texts messages saying thanks for the note, but I just could not talk at that time. (I still can not really talk about it.) I had to stay semi-strong so that I was able to feed Avery, she was still nursing from me. I think that is the only reason I have not been curled up in a bed since I found out. If she was able to be taken care of by someone else, I would have gladly let them take care of her. I just do not want to be without him. As the night drew near and Avery was placed in her bed for the night, I settled into the recliner. I could not go back to the bed that I have shared with Matt for the last 4 years. It would be too strange, him not there. I would not be able to smell him, hear him breath, or feel his movements as he slept. It was always hard for me to sleep when he was out of town, but this does not compare. Needless to say, I did not sleep that night. I lay in the recliner with the TV on and in a daze. My dad went to bed in the spare room and my mom did not want to leave me alone so she slept on the couch in the living room with me. I would get up and feed/change Avery as needed and then just go back to the recliner. The next couple of days flew by and dragged on at the same time.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

THe Start of it All

Today I decided to start writing a blog just to get things off my chest and maybe what I am going through may help other people in my situation. I was living the American dream. I was married to the love of my life, just given birth to our first child, a daughter, and I was at home on leave from work to get Avery ready to start daycare. My parents had come in town for the weekend to visit and I was going with my Dad to La so that his side of the family could meet Avery for the first time. My husband Matt was going to go duck hunting for the weekend and come back on Sunday so that the dogs would be taken care of when I was away with my father. Friday was my first night at home with Avery by myself. Matt left about 6 that evening to drive out to his friend's house that he was going to hunt with. They were going to head out early Saturday morning. That past Monday I had gone to see my doctor becuase I was having trouble with my milk production for Avery. I was producing too much and my chest was getting too full and I was unable to get the milk out of one side. The doctor gave me some medicine and directions on what to do to get the milk out. I was fighting that all week and I thought it had gotten better until Thursday night Friday morning. When Matt had left the house, I was walking around with a heating pad on my chest trying to get the clogged ducts to loosen up so that I would get some relief with Avery was to nurse again. I was so scared that I was not going to be able to nourish my child because the milk would not come out and Avery was not really happy when it came to eating from a bottle. Around 9 or 10 that night I called Matt very upset. I needed him to calm me down because I was so upset out the milk issue. He was very understanding and was talking me through it. He said he would be home the next day, Saturday if they had a good hunt that morning. I was happy to hear that because since my parents were going to be in town, we were going to take advantage of having a baby sitter and go one a date. Somthing we had not done since before Avery was born, 9 weeks earlier. I made it through the night with Avery happy with a full tummy. All was good in my life.
I had fed Avery a couple of times that Saturday morning and was laying in bed when the phone rang. It was about 10 in the morning and Matt was calling to see if it would be okay if he stayed one more day to hunt. He wanted to stay because he was already out there and this was like the last time he would be able to duck hunt until next season. I was like, do what you want. He was concerned and did ask if I needed help because I had been upset the night before. I told him I always needed help. He laughed and asked if it would be okay for the second day. I did say it was okay, even though I really did want him to come home. I was with Avery the rest of the day and my parents got in town around 5 or 6. This was the reason why Matt knew I would be okay, because my parents would be with me for the weekend. I told them that he decided to stay one more day and my mom said that was what he told her when they had talked earlied. He was going to be back home Sunday afternoon. I told him in the 10 AM conversation that I did not think I was going to be going with my dad because of my milk issues. After talking to my mom once she got to my house, I decided I was going to go. After all, they have doctors in La too in case I needed to go to one. We watched the Saints game, mom fed Avery a bottle and the night was pretty calm.
Sunday morning came around and I was feeding Avery, packing for our trip and saying good bye to my mom. She was going to Beaumont while my dad and I traveled to La with little Avery. My dad had left to go drop my mom off so she could get the rental car to drive to Beaumont and was going to come back to the house and get me. Then the trip would begin. As I was getting things together for the trip the phone rang. It was my father in law, Marvin. The first thing out of his mouth was "Is it true?" I have to ask "is what true?" He mentioned something about a police man going to Matt's uncle's house and then he sid my dad was calling him and he needed to get off the phone. Of course this got me upset so I called the wife of the friend Matt was going hunting with. I told her what Marvin had said and asked her if anything had happened to Matt. She asked me if I was sitting down and if I was alone. I told her I was waiting on my father to get back from dropping off my mom. That is when she told me she was not sure what was going on and that she would call her husband and get back to me. That is when I know something was wrong. Marvin had mentioned something about Matt's uncle and police so I deciced I would call him. I called and he sounded upset when he answered. I told him that Marvin had called, what he said, then I called the wife and what she had said so now I was calling him. He told me there had been an accident that involved Matt. I asked him how bad it was. (I do not remember asking that, but thatis what he told my dad I asked.) He told me that Matt was dead. My whole world had just crashed. I was hold Avery at this time and was not able to control my emotions. Where was my dad, where was my mom, where was my husband. I had no idea if this was a cruel joke, if there had been some mistake. I did not know what was going on and all I could do was cry.