Back to work

Well, I am going to junp a head here and just talk about my first day back to work. It was nice to get back and see everyone at work. They were all nice and very thoughtful. Said they were happy to have me back and that they were sorry for what I am going through. As my neighbor said when I ran into her when I got home, it was like they were "too" nice. I know that they did not want to hurt my feelings, and I am so happy that they care for me, but going back to work after being off for 13 weeks is just hard. And then having to go back after 13 weeks and losing my husband is harder that I would have ever expected. I mean just driving to work and listening to the radio I almost lost it. Songs that I hear that just remind me of him, or songs that just remind me of things I think I will never be able to feel for another person again made my eyes start to tear up as I drove over the toll bridge going to work. Once I got to work, I walked in alone, with two people a head of me I could have said hi to, but I just was not ready to talk to anyone. I got to my office and plugged in my computer. Started to type in all the passwords to get me logged in, ran into a little trouble trying to remeber some of them. Took me a couple of tries to finally get on the server. One of my co-workers stopped by and talk to me for a bit while the computer logged on and it was nice to talk to him. We just talked about things that were light anbd fluffy. Then I was off to the morning meeting. Saw people on the way and said hello to them. One I got to the meeting, it was like the people there were surprised to see me even though they knew I was going to be there. Maybe the did not actually recoginze me because I look so different. I do not have the happy face I normally did when I got to work, did not have a young looking face. Yes I know I am 29 but I have been told I look younger than what I am. Now I feel like I look old and worn. I mean, who would not look that way when you have spent the last three weeks either crying, trying to stop crying, trying to hold it in because you do not want to upset the people around you because you know they are hurting also or just being there, not doing anything but just being.
As the day went on I talked to people to try and get information about what had been going on for the last three months so that I could try to function at work. Try to figure out what I needed to be doing. It was hard to get my bearings. I had to open up the same spreadsheet 4 times to get one report done because I forgot what all went in it. And this spreadsheet takes like 5 min to open each time. Not fun. Then I started to go through my email. Looking at emails to get my up to speed on what I should be working on and trying to figure out what all took place while I was out so that I do not do any work twice. Then looking at the dates on the email just made me so sad. Knowing that when that email was sent, I still had a husband, a daughter and future to look forward to. Then emails sent actually on the date that the accident happened, knowing that day my whole life changed. I had to close my door and just sit there for a min while the tears came and went. I had to be quiet so that no one would hear. I have to be strong at work, but I just feel so weak.
Then comes to the end of the day when I go home. Go home to my baby daughter. I could not wait to see her, but I could at the same time. I did miss her, but everytime I see her I see Matt. I know that will be a good thing later one, but right now it makes me upset and sad. I still have no idea how I am going to raise her by myself. I know that all my friends and family are there for me and I will call you some day, but right now I just can not. I am not one to cry in front of people, that may be why I have not really called anyone. I just start talking about anything and everything, but what ever it is, it will remind me of Matt. IF it does not remind me of him, it reminds me of something that I may not get to experiecen with him. Like just going out to eat again.
OKay back to my day, I got to my care, placed all my stuff in it and started to head out of the parking lot. Then the song comes on, "Use Somebody". For those that were at te Memorial Service or the Funeral, this was the first song that went with the slide show. Kings of Leon had become his new favorite band. He listened to the
album as he ran. Then when he came home, he placed his ipod in the player and played the songs as he did his pushups and crunches. He had deticated his self to fitness since he had saw his friend Gordon in Sept. Gordon had lost some weight and Matt was using him for inspiration. Well, that song was more than just a song, it was a great memory of him. Everytime I hear it, I think of him, but at this moment I could not handle it and I just started to cry. I cried probabbly all the way through the song. Then I just had to turn off the radio. I needed quiet. I needed for me not to think of anything and just be numb. I just do not know how I am going to get through all of this.
I do not want to be here without him, but I do not want to leave Avery. Everything here has a memory of Matt. Just driving down the road. Still have not slept in my bed, it is too hard.