Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Last week

Last week Matt's mom came to visit and to help me with Avery. I was so happy that she was able to come out. I was not sure how it was going to be and she felt the same way. When she first got here I have to admit that I was a little nervous with her being here. I was not sure how she was going to be while she was here. Not sure if she was going to be able to handle being in the house where her middle born son had lived, made his life, and then left back in January. TO my surprise and to her own, she had a great visit.
The first day that she was here was a quit day at the house. My dad dropped her off after picking her up from the airport, got his things together and then left to go back to Kerrville. Donna and I hugged and said our hellos. Avery was sleeping when she arrived. We sat around in the living room talking about little things, not of real importance. Avery then woke up and we went to get her and play with her. As the day went on, our conversation got back to Matt, which we both know it would. We shared our thoughts of what had happened, what we were mad about and why we thoughts things were unfair for this to happend. I shared my thoughts of the accident itself. Just the way that Matt died is hard for me to accept. It was something that did not have to happen at all. When we are little kids, we are taught to not point guns in the direction of other, correct? I hate to admit this, but if Matt were to have gotten into accident because he fell asleep at the wheel, I would have understood that. He was a person that fell asleep very easily. When he wanted to sleep, he would just have to close his eyes and he would be asleep. He always said that the first 30 to 45 min of a trip were the hardest. He would need to pull over for 10 to 15 min and then he could drive all night. Then another thing that could have happened to Matt and it would have been easier to accept was if he was at a chemical plant and there was an accident there, I would have been able to accept that too. I mean, we do not have things like what happened at BP happen all the time, but they do happen. Matt loved his work, and would be out there trying to figue out things if there had been an upset and he would have been trying to solve the problem. He would not put him self in danger, but that is something I could see happening over what did happen.
Donna shared some thoughts with me to. I am choosing not to share what she said because they were not my thoughts and if she wanted them to be public, she would write them out.
Monday was hard on Donna for very good reasons, but I think Avery being at school and me being at work let Donna get some closure being at the house. She was able to work through some things that she was scared to face, but still not willing to accept. Tuesday and Wed I would say really helped her. Avery stayed home with Donna so they could get to know each other. Each day I got home, Donna was holding Avery or on the floor with her playing on the play mat. It was so cute. They bonded and I am so glad that they did. Avery knows both of her grandmothers. They both have taken great care of Avery in their own individual ways. No one is the same. Also, Tuesday my brother came over for a visit. Him and Donna were talking when I got home having a good conversation. When I got home I joined them and Fed Avery. When it was time for my brother to leave, I walked him out and we said out good byes. I told him I loved him and he did the same. Before he closed the door to his car, he got back out and told me to tell Donna that he loved her too! He forgot to tell her before he left so he wanted me to tell her when I went back in. When I got inside, I did tell her. Her face lit up and she was surprised and happy to hear that Grant would say something like that. They did not know each other very well, but the time that they talked and then the more time that the spent together over the weekend when Grant came to visit, they got to know each other. I was very happy for that.
The rest of the week went very well. Donna fed me so I Was able to feed Avery. She helped so much by cleaning the house, doing the laundry and then also taking care of Avery when I needed to get things done myself. Monday Donna went with me and Avery to Avery's 4 month check up. I was glad that she came with me because the last time that I was at the Dr with Avery, Matt was with me. It was 2 days before the accident. While I was in there, and just driving there, I was remembering the last visit. We had a whole list of questions to ask. This time I did not because I have been trying to hard to stay busy around the house, I had not stopped to make the list like I had before. We found out that Avery is 13 lbs, 6 oz and 24 inches long. Growing like a weed and in the 50% for her age, so she is just right!

Donna thank you so much for coming out. I am glad that being here was able to help you and that you did not want to leave. I can not wait for you to come back.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

You do not know what I am going through

It has been a while since I have written in this blog, but there has been something on my mind that I have been wanting to write about. This item may be upsetting to some people, but it is something that I think about daily. I really appreciate all the thoughts and prayers that people have been sending our way. I think that they have really helped.
On to my thoughts that have been going through my head.

In conversations and letter that I have receive, people have said that they do not know what to say because they do not know what I am feeling. I have to say that this is true. I know that it is hard to want to comfort someone and not know what to say. Some people try to come up with something that they think will help, but in this situation it will not help me, so if you say, “I do not know what to say”, I understand. If you say that you do understand and that I will get through this, I know that eventually I will be able to move forward, but I will never get over this, or through it. It is something that I deal with on a daily basis. In the future, it will hurt less, but I will still feel pain. As for the people that say they know what I am feeling, I have to say, do you really? Did you lose the love of your life right after you had a baby? Did this occur in a tragic accident? If you said yes to both of the questions, them maybe you do, but if you answered No to either of these question, you have no idea what I am going through. I have had people so that they know what I am going through because they are about to go through a divorce, or have gone through one and became a single parent. My response to this is the hell you don’t. You choose to become a single parent. Not that it was a easy decision for you, but you still had a choice in the matter and it is something that you probably were thinking about for a while, not something that happened over night. Also, you children will still have a father/mother to help raise your child/children. They may not be in a traditional family, but they still have two parents. For the person that has lost the love of the life due to an illness, you still do not know what I am going through. You had time to prepare yourself for what was going to happen. I know it was a still hard on you, but the illness let you know that it was a possibility, it was not something that was totally unexpected. Also for the person that has said that they know what I am going through because they did lose the love of their life in a tragic accident and they have children, okay I am listening. But then I look back, wait, you are older. You lived half of you life with your spouse. Your children were lucky enough to know their mother and father. They were old enough to have memories of their mother and father. You do not know what I am going through. I still have not met anyone that can say they know what I am going through. Talking to my father, he has stated that what I am going through could not even be dreamt up by the writers in Hollywood. You can not make this stuff up. There are the movies out there that have the parent pass away, but it is usually after a long battle with some illness. Not like Avery has lost her father.
Also, if you come to me and tell me that there was a reason for what has happened and that there is a plan, I am sorry. At this point, I can not believe that Matt being taken from this earth was going to bring any good to any one. Please do not tell me that. I can not accept that right now. I do not know I will ever be able to accept that until maybe when I pass away and it can be explained to me. This just goes back to, I have memories of Matt but Avery will not and it is not fair to her. I can not believe that having you father taken away before you get to know him is ever a good thing. It just does not make sense.