Friday, January 29, 2010

After I found out

So from the last post I got to the point where life as I knew it had just come to a halt. As I found out that my husband had been killed in a hunting accident, I had to get off the phone and call my mother. She was at the airport waiting on her friend so that she could change the name on the rental car and come back up to my house. She reassured me that my dad was on his way back to my house as soon as he could get there. All I could do was cry into the phone. All I could say was things like this do not happen to me. I mean I have trouble with my milk supply for my daughter. That should have been the biggest worry for me at this point, and also getting Avery into a schedule so that she could start daycare in three weeks. I could not accept the fact that this was happening to me, I still can not. My mom was great with me on the phone. She just kept saying that she and my dad would take care of Avery and me. Avery, what was she going to do without a father. Who was going to rough house with her when she gets older. Who is going to walk her down the aisle when she gets married. The fact that Matt had just been killed was not fair to me, to his family, but especially not to Avery. She had not even really got to know him. He was so proud of her. The past Friday he had taken some pictures of her up to work to share with his female co-workers. When we found out that I was pregnant, he could not wait to tell his family. And when we found out that it was a girl, he could not wait to tell his grandfather. His grand father always wanted to have a girl in the family. Avery was to be the first female born into the Jansen family in 3 generations.
Soon my dad got back to the house and I just fell into his arms with Avery in mine. I just dug my face into his chest and cried. He cried with me. I know he was going to miss Matt very much also. On a side note, my dad lived with Matt and I for about 3 months right before he retired. Him and Matt bonded while he lived here. They talked about everything. Guns, history, current events, work, almost anything and everything. They shared books that each of them had read and talked about that. My dad moved out and retired from work he moved to Kerrville to be with my mom. When this happened, Matt told me he felt like his best friend in Houston was leaving him. The day Matt died, my dad shared with me that he felt the same way. Matt is missed everyday by so many people, you can not even count.
Avery did not know what was going on. As my dad and I waited for my mom to get back to the house, I paced inside and out of the house. My dad talked to the Jansen family, as at this time, I was unable to talk to anyone. The neighbors were down the street visiting with each other, and I would usually go down and talk with them, but I was not able to this day. They waved, I waved back and went inside. Mom eventually made it back to my house with her co-worker. He co-worker gave me a hug and tried to console me, but it did not work. She left to go to Beaumont, where my mom was supposed to be going with her. Then my mom hugged my and we just broke down together. She was upset that Matt was gone and upset that Avery and my world had just been turned upside down. We just stood there crying into each others shoulders. At this point I still did not know what to do with myself. The day went by slowly. I started to get phone calls and text messages from my friends from school in Huntsville. I did not answer the calls but I did respond to the texts messages saying thanks for the note, but I just could not talk at that time. (I still can not really talk about it.) I had to stay semi-strong so that I was able to feed Avery, she was still nursing from me. I think that is the only reason I have not been curled up in a bed since I found out. If she was able to be taken care of by someone else, I would have gladly let them take care of her. I just do not want to be without him. As the night drew near and Avery was placed in her bed for the night, I settled into the recliner. I could not go back to the bed that I have shared with Matt for the last 4 years. It would be too strange, him not there. I would not be able to smell him, hear him breath, or feel his movements as he slept. It was always hard for me to sleep when he was out of town, but this does not compare. Needless to say, I did not sleep that night. I lay in the recliner with the TV on and in a daze. My dad went to bed in the spare room and my mom did not want to leave me alone so she slept on the couch in the living room with me. I would get up and feed/change Avery as needed and then just go back to the recliner. The next couple of days flew by and dragged on at the same time.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

THe Start of it All

Today I decided to start writing a blog just to get things off my chest and maybe what I am going through may help other people in my situation. I was living the American dream. I was married to the love of my life, just given birth to our first child, a daughter, and I was at home on leave from work to get Avery ready to start daycare. My parents had come in town for the weekend to visit and I was going with my Dad to La so that his side of the family could meet Avery for the first time. My husband Matt was going to go duck hunting for the weekend and come back on Sunday so that the dogs would be taken care of when I was away with my father. Friday was my first night at home with Avery by myself. Matt left about 6 that evening to drive out to his friend's house that he was going to hunt with. They were going to head out early Saturday morning. That past Monday I had gone to see my doctor becuase I was having trouble with my milk production for Avery. I was producing too much and my chest was getting too full and I was unable to get the milk out of one side. The doctor gave me some medicine and directions on what to do to get the milk out. I was fighting that all week and I thought it had gotten better until Thursday night Friday morning. When Matt had left the house, I was walking around with a heating pad on my chest trying to get the clogged ducts to loosen up so that I would get some relief with Avery was to nurse again. I was so scared that I was not going to be able to nourish my child because the milk would not come out and Avery was not really happy when it came to eating from a bottle. Around 9 or 10 that night I called Matt very upset. I needed him to calm me down because I was so upset out the milk issue. He was very understanding and was talking me through it. He said he would be home the next day, Saturday if they had a good hunt that morning. I was happy to hear that because since my parents were going to be in town, we were going to take advantage of having a baby sitter and go one a date. Somthing we had not done since before Avery was born, 9 weeks earlier. I made it through the night with Avery happy with a full tummy. All was good in my life.
I had fed Avery a couple of times that Saturday morning and was laying in bed when the phone rang. It was about 10 in the morning and Matt was calling to see if it would be okay if he stayed one more day to hunt. He wanted to stay because he was already out there and this was like the last time he would be able to duck hunt until next season. I was like, do what you want. He was concerned and did ask if I needed help because I had been upset the night before. I told him I always needed help. He laughed and asked if it would be okay for the second day. I did say it was okay, even though I really did want him to come home. I was with Avery the rest of the day and my parents got in town around 5 or 6. This was the reason why Matt knew I would be okay, because my parents would be with me for the weekend. I told them that he decided to stay one more day and my mom said that was what he told her when they had talked earlied. He was going to be back home Sunday afternoon. I told him in the 10 AM conversation that I did not think I was going to be going with my dad because of my milk issues. After talking to my mom once she got to my house, I decided I was going to go. After all, they have doctors in La too in case I needed to go to one. We watched the Saints game, mom fed Avery a bottle and the night was pretty calm.
Sunday morning came around and I was feeding Avery, packing for our trip and saying good bye to my mom. She was going to Beaumont while my dad and I traveled to La with little Avery. My dad had left to go drop my mom off so she could get the rental car to drive to Beaumont and was going to come back to the house and get me. Then the trip would begin. As I was getting things together for the trip the phone rang. It was my father in law, Marvin. The first thing out of his mouth was "Is it true?" I have to ask "is what true?" He mentioned something about a police man going to Matt's uncle's house and then he sid my dad was calling him and he needed to get off the phone. Of course this got me upset so I called the wife of the friend Matt was going hunting with. I told her what Marvin had said and asked her if anything had happened to Matt. She asked me if I was sitting down and if I was alone. I told her I was waiting on my father to get back from dropping off my mom. That is when she told me she was not sure what was going on and that she would call her husband and get back to me. That is when I know something was wrong. Marvin had mentioned something about Matt's uncle and police so I deciced I would call him. I called and he sounded upset when he answered. I told him that Marvin had called, what he said, then I called the wife and what she had said so now I was calling him. He told me there had been an accident that involved Matt. I asked him how bad it was. (I do not remember asking that, but thatis what he told my dad I asked.) He told me that Matt was dead. My whole world had just crashed. I was hold Avery at this time and was not able to control my emotions. Where was my dad, where was my mom, where was my husband. I had no idea if this was a cruel joke, if there had been some mistake. I did not know what was going on and all I could do was cry.