So from the last post I got to the point where life as I knew it had just come to a halt. As I found out that my husband had been killed in a hunting accident, I had to get off the phone and call my mother. She was at the airport waiting on her friend so that she could change the name on the rental car and come back up to my house. She reassured me that my dad was on his way back to my house as soon as he could get there. All I could do was cry into the phone. All I could say was things like this do not happen to me. I mean I have trouble with my milk supply for my daughter. That should have been the biggest worry for me at this point, and also getting Avery into a schedule so that she could start daycare in three weeks. I could not accept the fact that this was happening to me, I still can not. My mom was great with me on the phone. She just kept saying that she and my dad would take care of Avery and me. Avery, what was she going to do without a father. Who was going to rough house with her when she gets older. Who is going to walk her down the aisle when she gets married. The fact that Matt had just been killed was not fair to me, to his family, but especially not to Avery. She had not even really got to know him. He was so proud of her. The past Friday he had taken some pictures of her up to work to share with his female co-workers. When we found out that I was pregnant, he could not wait to tell his family. And when we found out that it was a girl, he could not wait to tell his grandfather. His grand father always wanted to have a girl in the family. Avery was to be the first female born into the Jansen family in 3 generations.
Soon my dad got back to the house and I just fell into his arms with Avery in mine. I just dug my face into his chest and cried. He cried with me. I know he was going to miss Matt very much also. On a side note, my dad lived with Matt and I for about 3 months right before he retired. Him and Matt bonded while he lived here. They talked about everything. Guns, history, current events, work, almost anything and everything. They shared books that each of them had read and talked about that. My dad moved out and retired from work he moved to Kerrville to be with my mom. When this happened, Matt told me he felt like his best friend in Houston was leaving him. The day Matt died, my dad shared with me that he felt the same way. Matt is missed everyday by so many people, you can not even count.
Avery did not know what was going on. As my dad and I waited for my mom to get back to the house, I paced inside and out of the house. My dad talked to the Jansen family, as at this time, I was unable to talk to anyone. The neighbors were down the street visiting with each other, and I would usually go down and talk with them, but I was not able to this day. They waved, I waved back and went inside. Mom eventually made it back to my house with her co-worker. He co-worker gave me a hug and tried to console me, but it did not work. She left to go to Beaumont, where my mom was supposed to be going with her. Then my mom hugged my and we just broke down together. She was upset that Matt was gone and upset that Avery and my world had just been turned upside down. We just stood there crying into each others shoulders. At this point I still did not know what to do with myself. The day went by slowly. I started to get phone calls and text messages from my friends from school in Huntsville. I did not answer the calls but I did respond to the texts messages saying thanks for the note, but I just could not talk at that time. (I still can not really talk about it.) I had to stay semi-strong so that I was able to feed Avery, she was still nursing from me. I think that is the only reason I have not been curled up in a bed since I found out. If she was able to be taken care of by someone else, I would have gladly let them take care of her. I just do not want to be without him. As the night drew near and Avery was placed in her bed for the night, I settled into the recliner. I could not go back to the bed that I have shared with Matt for the last 4 years. It would be too strange, him not there. I would not be able to smell him, hear him breath, or feel his movements as he slept. It was always hard for me to sleep when he was out of town, but this does not compare. Needless to say, I did not sleep that night. I lay in the recliner with the TV on and in a daze. My dad went to bed in the spare room and my mom did not want to leave me alone so she slept on the couch in the living room with me. I would get up and feed/change Avery as needed and then just go back to the recliner. The next couple of days flew by and dragged on at the same time.
Soon my dad got back to the house and I just fell into his arms with Avery in mine. I just dug my face into his chest and cried. He cried with me. I know he was going to miss Matt very much also. On a side note, my dad lived with Matt and I for about 3 months right before he retired. Him and Matt bonded while he lived here. They talked about everything. Guns, history, current events, work, almost anything and everything. They shared books that each of them had read and talked about that. My dad moved out and retired from work he moved to Kerrville to be with my mom. When this happened, Matt told me he felt like his best friend in Houston was leaving him. The day Matt died, my dad shared with me that he felt the same way. Matt is missed everyday by so many people, you can not even count.
Avery did not know what was going on. As my dad and I waited for my mom to get back to the house, I paced inside and out of the house. My dad talked to the Jansen family, as at this time, I was unable to talk to anyone. The neighbors were down the street visiting with each other, and I would usually go down and talk with them, but I was not able to this day. They waved, I waved back and went inside. Mom eventually made it back to my house with her co-worker. He co-worker gave me a hug and tried to console me, but it did not work. She left to go to Beaumont, where my mom was supposed to be going with her. Then my mom hugged my and we just broke down together. She was upset that Matt was gone and upset that Avery and my world had just been turned upside down. We just stood there crying into each others shoulders. At this point I still did not know what to do with myself. The day went by slowly. I started to get phone calls and text messages from my friends from school in Huntsville. I did not answer the calls but I did respond to the texts messages saying thanks for the note, but I just could not talk at that time. (I still can not really talk about it.) I had to stay semi-strong so that I was able to feed Avery, she was still nursing from me. I think that is the only reason I have not been curled up in a bed since I found out. If she was able to be taken care of by someone else, I would have gladly let them take care of her. I just do not want to be without him. As the night drew near and Avery was placed in her bed for the night, I settled into the recliner. I could not go back to the bed that I have shared with Matt for the last 4 years. It would be too strange, him not there. I would not be able to smell him, hear him breath, or feel his movements as he slept. It was always hard for me to sleep when he was out of town, but this does not compare. Needless to say, I did not sleep that night. I lay in the recliner with the TV on and in a daze. My dad went to bed in the spare room and my mom did not want to leave me alone so she slept on the couch in the living room with me. I would get up and feed/change Avery as needed and then just go back to the recliner. The next couple of days flew by and dragged on at the same time.
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