It has been a while since I have written in this blog, but there has been something on my mind that I have been wanting to write about. This item may be upsetting to some people, but it is something that I think about daily. I really appreciate all the thoughts and prayers that people have been sending our way. I think that they have really helped.
On to my thoughts that have been going through my head.
In conversations and letter that I have receive, people have said that they do not know what to say because they do not know what I am feeling. I have to say that this is true. I know that it is hard to want to comfort someone and not know what to say. Some people try to come up with something that they think will help, but in this situation it will not help me, so if you say, “I do not know what to say”, I understand. If you say that you do understand and that I will get through this, I know that eventually I will be able to move forward, but I will never get over this, or through it. It is something that I deal with on a daily basis. In the future, it will hurt less, but I will still feel pain. As for the people that say they know what I am feeling, I have to say, do you really? Did you lose the love of your life right after you had a baby? Did this occur in a tragic accident? If you said yes to both of the questions, them maybe you do, but if you answered No to either of these question, you have no idea what I am going through. I have had people so that they know what I am going through because they are about to go through a divorce, or have gone through one and became a single parent. My response to this is the hell you don’t. You choose to become a single parent. Not that it was a easy decision for you, but you still had a choice in the matter and it is something that you probably were thinking about for a while, not something that happened over night. Also, you children will still have a father/mother to help raise your child/children. They may not be in a traditional family, but they still have two parents. For the person that has lost the love of the life due to an illness, you still do not know what I am going through. You had time to prepare yourself for what was going to happen. I know it was a still hard on you, but the illness let you know that it was a possibility, it was not something that was totally unexpected. Also for the person that has said that they know what I am going through because they did lose the love of their life in a tragic accident and they have children, okay I am listening. But then I look back, wait, you are older. You lived half of you life with your spouse. Your children were lucky enough to know their mother and father. They were old enough to have memories of their mother and father. You do not know what I am going through. I still have not met anyone that can say they know what I am going through. Talking to my father, he has stated that what I am going through could not even be dreamt up by the writers in Hollywood. You can not make this stuff up. There are the movies out there that have the parent pass away, but it is usually after a long battle with some illness. Not like Avery has lost her father.
Also, if you come to me and tell me that there was a reason for what has happened and that there is a plan, I am sorry. At this point, I can not believe that Matt being taken from this earth was going to bring any good to any one. Please do not tell me that. I can not accept that right now. I do not know I will ever be able to accept that until maybe when I pass away and it can be explained to me. This just goes back to, I have memories of Matt but Avery will not and it is not fair to her. I can not believe that having you father taken away before you get to know him is ever a good thing. It just does not make sense.
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Whitney,
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that yours is a situation that is not one that many people have been in. I think that the "I know what you're going through" speech is something that people have engrained in their mind as something they're supposed to say when someone they know suffers a tragedy. As if we have templates of responses already written out in our brain, we often spout them out rather than actually genuinely react to a situation. I cannot pretend to know what your going through, nor will I try. I can say, however, that I hope that with each daily struggle that you also find daily strengths to lean on however how small. Avery will be leaning on them too. I also confess that I don't know you as well as some, but I do know you well enough to know the genuineness and truth in your heart and I know that Avery is in good hands.
You are right girl. There are some things in life that will never seem good right or fair. I think that God will be expecting you to ask why when you get to heaven. I'm so glad that you chose to vent on here about that, some people do not know how to respond so they think that saying they know how you feel in comforting. I don't have any idea how you feel and hope to never know. But I do know that you are hurting and I hope you know that I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteVery well written Whitney. I definitely don't know what you're going through, but I do think about you and Avery often and I do pray for you both. Please don't turn away from God because of thoughtless comments people might make about this being God's plan. Please let us (your friends and family) know if there is something specific we can do for you and Avery.
ReplyDeleteIts kinda like in your earlier post when you said that people may not know how to treat you or what to say to you. Its true, EVERYONE wants to be empathetic to your situation because no one wants you to feel alone, but very few people can actually identify with what you deal with everyday now. Its a silly thing people say to try to make you feel better, but as we can see its not really doing the trick, is it?
ReplyDeleteKeep getting it all out- I swear, sometimes I can see the stages of grief take place right here in your blog!
As for people saying that this was "the plan" I apologize for them. That is probably the last thing I'd want to hear anyone say to me. Even in a different situation, saying that is almost like saying it had to or was meant to happen and there is nothing I could disagree with more!
Whitney, I agree with you and you have said it so clearly. I share the pain since Matt was my son who I love very dearly. But you were with him every day and have Avery, so your pain is more acute for sure. I didn't want everyone at work saying "sorry", Andy said he was tired of hearing it. I told them just to say "welcome back". I have met some who know my pain: a back yard neighbor whose 26 year old son drowned, a couple whose son died in a tragic car accident, and others. I attended Tuscaloosa Compassionate Friends, a group for parents who have lost children and it was helpful to talk to some others who shared the loss of a child. I don't know if there is such a group for you. I met Jessica, a nurse in Thomasville who lost a husband in a boating accident when she had a 4 month old at home. She came up to me recently and said she felt for you Whitney and would be wanted to talk to you. She comes close to sharing your pain. Donna will be home in a couple of hours after spending a week with you and Avery. She dreaded going as there would be so much to remind her of Matt, like him always meeting us at the mailbox. But she feel it was good for her to have gone and she even felt bad leaving, like she was leaving a little of Matt there. Maybe I didn't explain that well, but she thanks you for inviting her. We love you and Avery and look forward to making out the best we can in the future with you.
ReplyDeleteLove, Matt's Dad, Marvin Jansen
Whitney, I hear you and I agree with you. I have NO idea what it is like to lose a spouse and cannot imagine the pain and hurt that it has caused you.
ReplyDeleteWhen my mom passed away, which is no where comparable to your loss, this is something that frustrated me as well. I hated being told that her death was for the greater good. It has been 5 years and I haven't seen any good come of it yet. I became an atheist. My family has become bitter and depressed. My dad has little motivation. So, I am still looking for the good in my situation and I believe that I will never find it.
Your husband's death was horrible. He died too soon. We all expect to bury our parents at some point in time, but it never right for a child to never really get the chance to know their father.
I am sorry for the frustrations that others have caused. I know that the pain gets easier, and that life goes on, but it doesn't make it any less painful to deal with.