The Next Week

As I started to move around on Monday morning, I knew that my in-laws were on their way to Houston. They were stopping by Matt's friends house to talk to him and to pick up Matt's belongings and truck. While they were there, they did not get to talk to the friend but his wife. I know it was hard for them to listen to what had happened as well as it was hard to her to tell them what had happened. While I was at the house with Avery and my parents, my mom and dad tried to stay busy so they could not think about things. I just pased the house because I had no idea what to do. The night before, I wrote a letter to all the neighbors to let them know what happened. I had to send it to them in an email because I still could not face any one. They started to respond to my email with their condolences.
At this point I was still in shock and could not believe that this had happened. I wanted to hope that I would wake up at some point and life would be as I knew before, but it has been 5 weeks since the accident and nothing is normal.
AS my parents stayed busy taking care of things around the house, I took care of Avery as best I could at the time. With her here, there was really not time for me to just sit and cry like I wanted to. All I did was want to sleep and cry, cry and sleep. That was just not in the cards.
Around 2 or so, John, Erica, Donna, Marvin and Andy showed up at the house. As they came in, we hugged and the emotional toll came all over again. Its seems that as you see someone new, you experience the shock and disbelief all over again. We cried and shared our thoughts with each other and then we had to start talking about planning the arrangements of what to do to celebrate Matt's life. That is something that a 29 year old new mother of a 9 week old daughter should not do. It is something that a parent should not have to experience. It is something that siblings should not have to work through until they are all old a grey, after everyone lived a long life together, having more memories to share with each other. But no, this is what we had to do. It was decided that we would have a memorial service for Matt in Houston at the church where we were married by the person that was over our marriage. As for the burial, there was no talk before about where we wanted to be layed to rest. We would talk about that in 20 years, not 4 years into our marriage. I knew that I wanted to be buried with my father's side of the family in Leesville, LA. Matt's family did not have a family plot, and I knew that Matt was my sole mate. He would refer to me as his penguin, because they mated for life, we were supposed to be together for the rest of ourlives, for years to come. Since it was my decision, there were two plots available for Matt and I in Leesville, so that is it where he will be layed to rest. Monday was a federal holiday so there was really nothing we were able to do at this point but to make plans.
AS the day came to be evening. my neighbors were very supportive. They came by with food, drinks, letting us know that if there was anything they could do, they were there for me and Avery. Matt's good friend Andy stopped by to talk to me and John. One of Matt's former co-workers stopped by and let us know that the people that just came into town were more than welcome to stay at their place so they did not have to worry about hotel rooms. Everyone was so great, we really appreciated it.

Tuesday, my father and Matt's father drove to Leesville to start talking to the funeral home there that was going to take care of the arrangements. My mom went to take care of things in Clear Lake. John Erica, Donna and Andy stayed at the house with me and Avery. Another one of Matt's co-workers and his wife came by to see how we were all doing and to meet Avery. Even though I had only meet Brian and Yvonne twice, from Matt talking about me and Avery to them and to me about them. I felt like I had known them a lot longer than we had. They offered for me to come stay with them over the weekend in the future and I plan on doing that, but just not ready now.

We talked to Rick Carpenter at the church and he was going to come over Wed morning to talk about Matt and how we would like his memorial service to go. That was rough a meeting. It was great for me to hear everything that his family wanted to have said about him. I did not have too much to say, because every time I started talking, I would get too emotional and would not be able to talk. I Was just trying to soak up everything that was being said. The one thing that I did want to have said was that Matt was so proud of Avery. The night before the accident he sent me a message on face book, "Hey Whit, just wanted to let you know that I miss you and Avery. Noah was screaming today and I actually offered to hold him for Sarah. I guess it is the daddy instinct. I'm glad you have other girls to talk to about the baby and everything. Did your parents make it o.k.? Jon and I are hunting in the morning and I... should be home mid afternoon. I'm looking forward to seeing you guys." If I only would have known that this was the last contact I would have had with him, I would have called him. All I want to do is talk to him one more time and let him know how much he means to me. I know now that I took everything I had for granted. It is so hard to just move forward. I still can not believe this has happened.
By Wed evening the plans were set for everything. Memorial service Thursday, visitation Friday and burial on Saturday.
My dad left Thursday night after the service to go to Leesville to give them Matt's suit that he would wear. That meant that I had to go into Matt's clothes and get a suit for him to wear. As I go into the closet, I just started to cry. Again, I am not supposed to be doing this. Thinking is this really my life now? A widowed single parent? This is not how my life is supposed to be. I am supposed to be worried about going back to work and deciding on if I even wan tto go back to work, or if I should take a different job that is not so demanding. That is all out the window now. I pick out the last suit that Matt wore to a formal occasion It was a dark blue suit with light pin stripes. His light purple shirt and tie that match. Here this may be TMI, but I got out the boxers he worn when we got married for him to wear, his belt, socks, shoes and an undershirt. Matt was worried that you may be able to see his nipples through shirts if he did not have an undershirt on. They were really dark.
For those that came to the memorial service, thank you. It was really nice and I think Matt would have been proud of it. He would have enjoyed it. It was nice to see people there and nice to know that our family has your support. The visitation was nice. It was good to see that people from Matt's home town were able to make it out to show their condolences and the funeral was as good as one can be.
I stayed in Leesville for a couple of more days with my dad at my aunt and uncle's house, while my mom and brother drove back to their respective homes. We visited the grave site two more times before we left LA. My aunt assured me that her and my uncle would take care of the site, and make sure that is stayed nice until we were able to make it out there again.
My dad and I stopped off at my house to get some more things for Avery and my self and stayed the night. Then the next day we traveled to Kerrville where my parents lives. It was nice to be there because there were less things at their house that reminded me of Matt and I was able to just relax the whole time we were there. We took care of some loose ends that needed to be taken care of and got to see my grandmother that lives in Kerrville too. She was able to meet Avery Ann for the first time. She was smitten by my little baby. Even though my grandmother can not really talk and say complete sentences, and she may not have understood that Avery was her great granddaughter, she was impressed with her. As they sat next to each other, my grandmother had Avery by the hand and was not going to let go. They made faces at each other and when Avery had a little gas, she made her great grandmother laugh out loud and say "Oh my!" I was happy there were able to meet. As the week came to a close, it was time for me to go back to Houston and start back to work. My mom and I drove back on Feb 6th, went to costco on the 7th and I headed into work on the 8th while my mom dropped of Avery at daycare. The first couple of nights I slept in the study on the twin bed. When my father arrived on that Wed, I started to sleep in Avery's room on a blow up mattress. I still have not been able to sleep in the bed that Matt and I shared and I am not sure when I will be able to. Our house has so many memories. I love living here and it is hard to live here all at the same time.