Okay, Now I am Mad

I just have to get this off my chest. I am mad at the fact that Avery was not the last baby that Matt held before his accident, that would be his friend's son. I wish that she was. I am mad that I am not the last person that Matt talked to before his accident. He would have talked to his friend before the accident. I am mad that he did not sleep his last night at home with me in our bed. No, he slept at his friends house because it was closer to the hunting location. I am mad that his last meal was not with me and Avery. It was at his friend's house. I did not get to share in any of the things that Matt did for the last time before his accident. I know that some of these things are petty but I am mad that I was not the last for any of these things. I hope he knows how much he is missed. It has been two and a half months since the accident and I still think I am going to see him in the living room waiting for me when I walk in there. I still want him to come home to me after a long day at work, and go out to the back yard and calm Jack down like he always did. I want to hear the garage door close when he puts Jack up from running and then come into the house and get some water from the sink. These are the things that he did. He was like clock work on what he did. Wed he stayed home to relax after work. He took that day off from working out. I missing watching American Idol with him and he making fun of the comments that the judges made. He was always saying, "I wish I could vote Paula off." I would laugh every time and say you can't do that. Now I will never get to do that again. I can not even really watch the show all the way through because it is just not the same. I read some where about a woman who lost her husband. They would always fight over the remote and what to watch, and now that she can watch anything she wants, there is nothing she wants to watch. I feel the same way. Nothing is as good as it once way.
Another thing I am mad at is that I did not get to enjoy all the last couple of months as much as I should have with my baby daughter. I have had to worry about getting things done. Getting names changed on accounts. Taking care of the bills. Being up set about Matt not being here. I know you are supposed to make the best out of what you have, but it only goes so far. From the accident until about a week or so ago, I have lost all that time enjoying my baby. I feel so bad that I missed out on that. I mean I played with her and took care of her, but I was not able to enjoy her that way I should have. She has grown up so much, I feel like I have missed it. I took pictures and have documented all that she has done, but I do not think I have done all I should have done. All these things I am mad about it was because I feel they were all taken away from me with one shot. Yes it was an accident, and DuPont says that all accidents are preventable. Well, you know what, Matt could not prevent this accident other than not going. The person who could have prevented it knows who he is.
AS for other things I would like to say, I can not say. If they are that mean, they do not belong on the Internet. They are things I need to say in person. I do not feel that I will every be able to say what I really feel to who I want to because I do not like confrontation. Please understand that it is not you, it is what has happened and I think I have a right to feel this way. My soul mate has been taken away from me and now I am left to live my life as half a person, because my other half is dead. When Matt died, I died a little too. I know I will never be the same person I was. I just hope that I can be the best mother to Avery. That is all I live for now. As for myself, if it was not for Avery, I do not know where I would be.