Happiness

So today I have to say that I am happy. I am happy to have a great family that has been taking care of Avery and I since Matt’s accident. I have great neighbors that are helping to take care of Avery and I since Matt’s accident too. They have been able to keep my yard groomed, watch Avery when I have to be away and I am not able to take Avery with me, keep me company when I am sad and I need to keep my mind off other things, kept me fed so I have not had to worry about food and just have been there when I needed to talk to someone. I could not ask for anything more than what they have been giving me.
On the other hand, I am happy for all the new mothers on my street too. Since Matt’s accident, 5 babies have been born on my street. I am very happy that they all arrived healthy and thriving. All the mothers are healthy and home with their little ones. With this happiness brings a great deal of sadness to me. I see all the new fathers on the street and I think of Matt. What would he being doing with Avery right now.
My neighbors had a cookout tonight for Memorial Day which was great. It was great to get out and see all the neighbors with their babies and see the people I have not seen in a while. I also go to meet some neighbors that had just recently moved in on our street. With this, I also see the interaction of the mothers with the fathers, the children with their father and it breaks my heart that I don’t have that any more and Avery does not have that now and will not have that later on in life. It is hard for me to be truly happy for each of their families. I am finding myself being more jealous of them than happy for them. I keep wondering to my self, is something going to happen to that new father. Is he going to make it past the first nine weeks of his baby’s birth? I am not wishing for anything to happen to them. I want everyone to be around for the next 20 years so our children can all grow up together, since they were all born within seven months of each other.
I am glad to be around friends, but I know that I do put on a good act for the majority of my life now. I guess I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, but I know they know I hurt. I feel like the out cast so bad now. I feel removed away from people that I used to be really close to because I do not think they know how to talk to me and I feel the same. I don’t know how to talk to them. I know that Avery with be friends with all the kids that were just born, but I feel like she is already removed from that group of children because she is four months older that the next kid that was born, and all the others were born with in 2 months of each other. I know that 6 months is not that much once the kids are older, but it is just one more thing that goes through my head.
From now on, I am the person that has a kid and is not married. I am not the same person and the people that meet me for the first time know will never know the person I was before Matt was gone. I want that person back. I don’t know that if I did not have to be, I don’t think that I would be around myself right now. If I was still the person I was, I would be a better worker, better friend, and a better mother. I would be able to enjoy things more with Avery and not worry so much about everything. I have reverted back to the way I was before Matt. I use to care about what people thought of me and I use to work so hard to fit in with the “cool” crowd. When I was with Matt, I was in the “cool” crowd. All that I cared about was what he thought about me. I wanted to make him proud of me. I worked hard to be a better person for him, because of him, and then for myself. From that I was able to be myself all the time and the people who liked me liked me and the people who did not, well then that was their loss and I did not sweat it. I need to find the confidence that I once had. I am so scared of life now that I do not want to move forward. I want things to stand still and let me just sit where I am.
Happiness is what you make of it and I am finding it hard to see it in my life everyday.