Saturday, October 22, 2011

Here Again

It has been a long time since I have written anything here. I have to say that for some reason the last couple of days have been a little hard on me, or maybe I am just throwing myself a little pity party. I have had a good time hanging out with friends and taking it easy, but yesterday hit me a little hard and this evening has been just about the same. I have been keeping busy by doing things, but the last couple of weekends I have decided to take it easy and I am just noticing that things around the house are quiet. Noticing that I am alone once Avery goes to bed. I don't have anyone to talk to. I do talk to people via text message, but its just not the same as talking to someone face to face, or at least in the same room as you. Sharing what you have done that day with them. They asking you questions about the details of the day. I mean, I talked to Avery, but she does not quite fill that void that I have been missing.
Sometimes, its just knowing that there is someone at home waiting for me. Knowing that when I walk in, someone will be there to say "Hi" to me, but there is not. Just wanting to hear his voice again. I realized something today, that I think I have always known, I am never going to get over him. I am not sure if I will be able to move it. I think that I have made good process in getting out and having fun with friends, but there is still that one thing that is missing. I have not really been able to put my finger on it until now. My friends are great! I am closer to some, more than others, but I know that they are all there to help me out if I need it. Willing to do anything for me if I ask, one thing that I have learned to do over the last 18 months since he has been gone.
Now that it has been this long, I find my self trying to redecorate the house. I have put up new pictures. Moved thing around a little bit. Wanting to move some other things, but not knowing where to put them. When ever I sit on the couch, I see my wedding pictures. I know that I should take them down and put something else up, but I just can not do that now. I looked into my study and see the picture that we had at the memorial service hanging up on the wall where his deer head use to be and think to my self that people probably think I am crazy for having a huge picture of this person in my house, but I like it there. Even though it is from 2008, it is how I remember him. Fun, adventurous, loving to travel. That picture was taken while we were in Italy. That was the best trip that I had even taken. I hope to be able to take Avery there one day and show her all the places that her dad and I went.
Decorating is hard. It is especially hard when you know you need to, but you just can't bring yourself to do it.

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